Muses of a lark

Why are there
filters on cigarettes
As pain demands to be felt
Not to knock out but to bring a deep enough-
sounding lesson
to the student.

When will there be
the rainbow that we all awaited
From many years ago
To know that the sad rain-
of happiness drowned has gone
But not regretted that it came.

Will there ever be a time
where we can be happy
like the larks in the sky
fluttering through before the hunter-
came and took your partner's life
before you could say goodbye?

So I hope you know
that the best lesson is sorrow
In it is a yearning for pain
earnest calling of desperation till-
the Sun dawned
For that is then; when joy is, oh yes! It is known.

-samuel

Tired

Can't wait for school to start, internship is well, a fun place.

But I really miss the people in school a lot.

School is actually a fun place.
Where I can make noise, disturb people, yet get pestered like nobody's business regarding work. But at the same time where I don't have to suffer pressure alone.

Suffering pressure alone at the workplace is tiring.

KPI...... why must I hit my deadlines so fast when it isn't my fault :(

I miss consolation, I crave support. But I know that is not what I need.

I need determination and focus.

-hx

Embrace

I tried to embrace so many different genre of music, types of films. But it is always that one genre, that beautiful mystique in surreal sounds and inaudible air riffs that make me fall in love with poems, song lyrics that write a certain jingle coupled with a strange, buzzling joyful melody that brings me up and makes me sing it out loud, creating a persona in me that wants to bring my best out for this song, and this song, it resonates deep within me and holding in its charmful pocket my exact sentiments, my equilateral feelings; amplifying it and making me feel like there is a bubble; a bubble filling up the void left by the vessels around me who are mellow and drowning and the space created, this space is like a bubble bouncing gently about and me being in the centre of it; and as i see the sunbeams dazzling and glowing into my zone; i gently whisper for a door to be opened; and I hereby invite you in. :)

-huangxi

PS: practicing my prose and just writing my thoughts. :)

Poem - Human pentimento

It's the fire scene that scarred me
crimson blood dripping from the tree
Run; trip, scratch through and past twigs
I hide in the cleft; the lee of the stone.

Cracked skin; broken lines on palm
We hide what we are afraid to show
Longing to see what we do not know
Hiding from people; feeling low.

Vile reminder of life, standing in front of strife
Clammy hands; clammy feet
Independent of how much I tried
Despite all, I faced defeat

No relief from the noises above
Thundering! Yelling! yet mutterings of love
All sorts of lies, diverse masks
We put our heart in wooden casks.

The torturer knows no sorrow
His goal in sight when your pain you hide

Yet - a gall I will lick
No regrets to this life I live
Thick and thin is no difference
The world belong to the meek

Tarry in this pain
Tarry just a while
Pain brings relief to lunatics
Makes —
me smile

There is no biasedness in life
Just too many nuts
All you need is be set straight
To light up your own spark.

-huangxi

PS: aren't we all like a human pentimento.
we hide from our past, our ugly and our life.
we only show what we want others to see
so others will see and then they believe
But really our lives changed so much
as we struggle between our thoughts
who to be and what to say
cluttering thoughts in our mind each day.
constantly repainting
we want a fresh canvas
but life has no restarts
so put your best foot first.
:)

I just want to live

Its like swimming, you push yourself in, get up. It's good exercise. You train ur muscles. You get to play with water. Unleash the inner kid in you.
I wish I know how to swim.

But I can't swim. I can't. I want to experience life like others but as I push myself in all I find is a drowning me gasping for air, wanting to live the way I know. And so I held my breath and stretched my smile. There is no doubt of course, how I was the weirdest in the school of fishes swimming, always floating to the top like a whale. But it was just the case: mammal me do not own gills. It is not in my system. I conform, but I know I must be who I am.

Don't you think that I'm a runner, I'll be coming with my guns up shooting at the moon to bring the sun up.

Find no meaning in life? It's fine. Just write down a goal you think will take your entire life to achieve. Now go. Pick yourself up. You are you and only you are fully responsible for yourself and for yourself only. I learnt that a long time ago and boy, I wasn't glad. I was furious, cringing at the fact that I had to embrace such a travesty. But like the cracked mirror, it was truth. Shatter it. Shatter it. Pick up something you create. Form your own mould and mould your own form. Set apart yourself like a flower from weeds. Create your avatar and be your avatar. Don't be a facade. Be your avatar. Be one with the facade. Because you know that you deserve to be who you want to be, and people will come to like you if you are truly happy with who you are. If you are and people don't like you, you wouldn't bother anyway. That's how you know.

-sam

Current Thoughts

Meteor Shower

I can finally see that You're right there beside me
I am not my own, for I have been made new
Please don't let me go I desperately need You

I am not my own, for I have been made new
Please don't let me go I desperately need You

Song by Owl City https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwzhdRubxFo


How I feel right now in my life. I need to grab hold on to what I lost.
I lost myself.
I pursued a new goal, another new goal, another new goal, and then the mask was removed. I am no longer a facade. I don't want to hide anymore. I am not who I used to be. I can still do what I do best, but I am, on the inside just a hollow shell. And in this hollow shell I am having people lambasting words into it, like a loudhailer, and I transferred all those pain, all those thoughts, all those empty words into my own ballad, I became my own bard.


"A tongue of lamentations pouring out, a whole volume of remorse. Like wet paint, splashed on to the walls with great anguish. The crimson splatter on the floor and the slow drips, a waterfall flowing as it hits from the cascade to the base, without sound, but it can be heard. Pain can be heard."

Life securities

I want to just focus on work but there are so many problems around me. Seems like life is life huh. You can never just focus on one thing because life requires us to juggle many responsibilities.

This is why I always want to envision a beautiful future. I want to be able to have a beautiful future real bad. One where my mind can rest in the knowing of my life being secured, assured, and in bliss.

Delve

We're already in this day and age where lives are lived in a way where we are constantly seeking approval, engaging into the rat race that we forgot to take a step back and enter, delve into this new experience called living, and not just living per se but in fact doing things that are focused on one thing and the one thing that will remain - relationships. Relationships can end, but it cannot be ended without choice. Food must be consumed, clothes will get spoiled, old or out of fashion. But a relationship is different because it has the potential - to last forever. It has the potential to stay in existence so long its corresponding mind stays in existence. And when people dies, who knows? Maybe the minds are still alive, just without a mouthpiece.

-samuel

Poem - A Chance

If I have a chance
I want that chance to be you
As we go to different cafes
to talk about the sun and a sky so blue

If I have a chance
I want that chance to be you
Every smile every conversation
The connection is true.

If I have a chance
You're thinking 'bout it aren't you
how our fate intertwined
you complete my words and me you

If I have a chance
I hope that chance is you
Because being blind is better as
long as me and you are cool.

If I have a chance
It has to be you
Because if it isn't
I would be in prison

If I have a chance
I would never leave you
Because I'm afraid of being alone
But that is when I smile.

I know I have a chance
And that chance is with you
Be courageous and open my mouth
That's all I have to do

I know I have a chance
What could seperate true friends?
But this schrodinger's box
I dont want any loose ends.

If I have a chance
could you then promise
That you would be honest
and pierce my heart with your lance?

If I do stand a chance
I will take it just you wait
Bring you into the home of my heart
You wouldn't wanna leave the gate.

-huangxi

Just to discover life where we all are

This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard.But I'm gonna survive. Oh oh these are beautiful times~

Thank God that FYP is going to be over soon. Really.

Dealing with people, students and lecturers that I do not like, is a tough one.
Having so many tough interviewees and irritable people around me, quite tiresome to me.

I just wanna have fun playing the guitar again.
I just wanna have someone understand me again.

I feel so drained texting. Even texting. That I feel so alone even through texting because I cannot feel the other party resonating with what I am feeling.


I am waiting for the day where I can be the lark, I don't want to be the sighing woodpecker anymore.

Raw- Silent

Silent

Sound you can hear faces you can see

But inaudible are they like the words that you read

Books galore but not a drop of wisdom

Heaven is open but not a touch was given.

To drink and not be filled is to commit a murder

For what stop rage is not actions but comfort from anger

A sparrow flies, constantly he does

Not when he hates home, but whenever he must.

A test, a challenge, a match from afar

Sent on one purpose is the invitation 

Not for doubt, neither for shame

But till i am triumphant the teacher is silent.

-raw. Undone.

Poem- Perception

The one who cried wolf
didnt hear the howl
a cry in the midst of darkness
searching for; wandering through
the forest of serene but
solitude KILLS
the tiger has its cubs
the grass has its greens
but the lone wolf seeks eternity and peace

Misunderstood as evil
forgotten by the good
despised by those better
rejected as crude
gone like the wind
were the days of old
one was respected
just for his mould

Happiness exist when sadness does
a chain has many parts
these faltering emotions go hand in hand
though they're miles apart
plateau unflattering
But mountains scaled from valleys
all serve their purpose
to bring to us an ending

God is good; says the priest
and of course his creation fine;
but what is further from the truth
is evil in mankind.

All Eternity Awaits

Above my circumstances it's You I worship

My life surrendered in the mercy of your love

Nothing can be compared to this I now know

You spoke the universe into existence

Poem - Need to hang on

I need to hang on I need to persevere
There no more sound my ears cant hear
In this lonely night so dark and alone
The things I see i doubt its true

No value of matter no matter of value
All I need a rope, a method to heal
Leave the abyss, leave this town
But what if that aint what I need now

Poem - Reminder

Feeling as lethargic as can be, i cant even stay up after coffee,
no dont give me tea, I just wanna sleep why cant you let me be
i dont need and dont want to know a her
i want to know me thats all that matter

I want to go up but everything's down
I talk to above but it made not a sound
to cry to below what does it do
my tears extinguished by hell fire that blew

kick up a storm, whirlwind in clouds
The eye of the hurricane its surrounding it spouts
neither a foe nor its friend
can hug it nor kiss it and not meet its end

all things have time, and time in control
there's not a healing that time cant bestow
but fury is deep, and hatred is steep,
maneuver the maze you have to be on your feet.


- Huangxi
Cricantrail.blogspot.com

Poem - More than Breathing

When you look into the mirror across this madness
Do you see you or do you see sadness
Above our heads, under the sparrows
Glance at the neon lights, creating our shadows

Oh~
Do you see what it's going to be
It's a world a theater of dreams
Where we look no more for the answer in our hearts
Oh~
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our grip

There across the river into the abyss
I see people falling from the bridge
Where is the lighthouse no more watch men
Do we live to fight now just to reach the end

Oh~
Do you see what it's going to be
It's a world a theater of dreams
Where we look no more for the answer in our hearts
Oh~
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our grip

And we'll see
The birds that chirp and greet
It's a forest surreal and relieved
And we'll find
Quiet in chaos under our abode
What we left home just to find

Oh~
Do you see what it's going to be
It's a world a theater of dreams
Where we look no more for the answer in our hearts
Oh~
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our

Oh~
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our, the future's in our, the future's in our grip.

-Cricantrail

Word.

Math is not about truth, it is about proof.
10 x 10 = 100
9 x 9 = 100
8 x 8 = 100
Change the base, and see numbers another way.

Courtesy of: CGAyling. On twitter


Reflection:

Things arent always the way we expect it to be.
But it could be the truth.
A fact changes volume with a different perspective.

Poem - Acceptance

What am I, if not a pawn in a plan far from the king, but still in his hand
Not many roads, nor people to seek
Much less victory before I am defeat.

The road is straight but that aint the way
For to move up we must go astray
To be at the end and to rise to the top
A simple mistake we surrender and flop.

The destiny's great and the future is big
For at the end of the day many choices we meet
But dreams are quenched when the master speaks
For sacrifices are made for the greater deed.

-ct

Poem - Apathetically numb

Shading upon a grey wall
Stabbing a dead man's gall
We live to breathe, but we dont conceive
Our ideas dont weave, insights not received.

Living in absence from the utmost vital part
Is it our lungs, or is it our heart?
What will change if we lose our soul
Will we turn to dust, what happens to our mould?

We chase the pieces of our puzzle
Not finding the puzzle board
Rat racing till the very end
we look for the Master's hand.

A lie, or truth; mystery foretold
Knowledge comes from sorrow
And the greatest answer that we seek
is from the grave that follows.

Poem - Lost Demise

Flowers on a grave
Our broken metronome
Life beyond repair

This isn't the end

An eight year old girl had a panic attack
'Cause the father she loved left and never looked back
No longer the hero she counted on
He told her he loved her and then he was gone

She tried to look happy in front of her friends
But knew that she'd never feel normal again
She fought back the tears as they filled her eyes
And wanted him back just to tell him goodbye

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end

Her dad was a good guy that everyone liked
But nobody knew he was dying inside
He promised his family he'd be alright
And then with a gunshot he left them behind

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end, no.

The role of a father he never deserved
He abandoned his daughter and never returned
And over the years though the pain was real
She finally forgave him and started to heal

How close is the ending, well, nobody knows
The future's a mystery and anything goes
Love is confusing and life is hard
You fight to survive 'cause you made it this far

It's all too astounding to comprehend
It's just the beginning this isn't the end
It's just the beginning this isn't the end

- Adam Young

Haiku: Pleasure routine

Lie between the twigs nuances of thy nature's guise the bird tweet~ and sleep :)

-hx

Wow.

No one has yet believed in God and the kingdom of God, no one has yet heard about the realm of the resurrected and not been homesick from that hour, waiting and looking forward to being released from bodily existence.
Whether we are young or old makes no difference. What are twenty or thirty or fifty years in the sight of God? And which of us knows how near he or she may already be to the goal? That life only really begins when it ends here on earth, that all that is here is only the prologue before the curtain goes up — that is for young and old alike to think about. Why are we so afraid when we think about death? Death is only dreadful for those who live in dread and fear of it. Death is not wild and terrible, if only we can be still and hold fast to God’s Word. Death is not bitter if we have not become bitter ourselves. Death is grace, the greatest gift of grace that God gives to people who believe in him. Death is mild, death is sweet and gentle; it beckons to us with heavenly power if only we realize that it is the gateway to our homeland, the tabernacle of joy, the everlasting kingdom of peace.
How do we know that dying is so dreadful? Who knows whether in our human fear and anguish we are only shivering and shuddering at the most glorious, heavenly, blessed event in the world?
Death is hell and night and cold if it is not transformed by our faith. But that is just what is so marvelous, that we can transform death.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
1906-1945

Oh my.

Reading and this hit me big time. I hadn’t thought about that last sentence much before because it’s easy to read and move on, but last night I couldn’t stop rereading it. I clicked the lamp off so inspired to live this and not just read it and forget about it. I barely got any sleep as usual. How is there so much power in a book?? Fantastiska

So my brothers and sisters, we must not be ruled by our sinful selves or live the way our sinful selves want. If you use your lives to do the wrong things your sinful selves want, you will die spiritually. But if you use the Spirit’s help to stop doing the wrong things you do with your body, you will have true life. The true children of God are those who let God’s Spirit lead them. The Spirit we received does not make us slaves again to fear; it makes us children of God. With that Spirit we cry out, “Father.” And the Spirit himself joins with our spirits to say we are God’s children. If we are God’s children, we will receive blessings from God together with Christ. But we must suffer as Christ suffered so that we will have glory as Christ has glory.

Romans 8: 12-17

copied from Owlcity

Via ayoungblog.com

Yup.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In God’s great mercy he has caused us to be born again into a living hope because Jesus Christ rose from the dead. Now we hope for the blessings God has for his children. These blessings, which cannot be destroyed or be spoiled or lose their beauty, are kept in heaven for you. God’s power protects you through your faith until salvation is shown to you at the end of time. This makes you very happy even though now for a short time different kinds of troubles may make you sad. These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure. This purity of faith is worth more than gold, which can be proved to be pure by fire but will ruin. But the purity of your faith will bring you praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is shown to you. You have not seen Christ but still you love him; you cannot see him now, but you believe in him. So you are filled with a joy that cannot be explained, a joy full of glory, and you are receiving the goal of your faith — the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1: 3-9

This test is funny

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Updated 2015 Feb:

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.


Hmmm... some things still stay the same.

Poem - Mirror

my past I now no longer look,
I shut my eyes and crossed the brook.
mirrors reflect what I expect
Only the things I have regretted.

What a fragment made from sand
spectacular to behold
But, alas, a knock to come
Only tragedy unfolds.

And brooks I crossed with great despair
on whether I get the truth
As painted by the mirror then
That truth may not be true

Ugly paintings are still paintings
Just as life is life
What we get we don't expect
But will we tell the lie?

-hx

PS: No idea how to end it. 4th paragraph may be edited again. Very tough to end. Even right now, the ending is not good. Sad.

PPS: 4th paragraph edited 20 Feb 2015

Getting Back on Track

Ever felt that you are behind schedule on many things and have no idea how to overcome all these things when all you want to do is to die?

So, how do you escape that?

Step 1:
When you have many things coming at you on all sides, take a deep breath and have a nice cool drink.
Relax, soothe yourself. Find somewhere secluded and comfortable and prepare some paper and a pen.

Step 2:
List down the things that you need to complete within the next one month. These could be simple tasks that you need to do, like cleaning your cupboard, to finishing some reports.
Don't list down mundane things that you would do, like eating unless you do not eat on time and properly, of course.

Step 3: Take a look at the list and now write them down on another piece of paper in accordance of priority to complete. Now put the header as TO DO LIST. Staple it somewhere, put it on a post it notes(the top 5 things to be done), if you have a white board at home next to your bed that would be great. Put it on a note widget of your phone, or simply set it as your wall paper to constantly remind yourself about it. Place a note onto your desktop, stick it around somewhere. Set Alarms with descriptions do task A.

Step 4: Do one of the tasks(as high priority as possible immediately! Do not waste time at all. Even if you are unable to do the task straight away, Plan out, map out how you may go about doing that task. If it is to pick up a cake for your friends birthday, set an alarm for it, write down a note, call someone and ask him/her to remind you about it in 3 hours time. Get going with it!

Step 5: Whittle down your list and give yourself a break after every 1 or 2 items. A break is probably a 1 hour break to a night's off. Depending on how much time you have!
Take a break, but don't take a long vacation. Build up on the momentum and get things done fast.

Jesus is Yeshua

http://infjconfessions.tumblr.com/post/32867481879/infj-confession-2224-jesus-is-the-only-reason-i

 Jesus is the only reason I haven’t completely given up on my life.

How true.

Jesus, i press on knowing that i have you. I just keep. Pressing. On. 

Amen.

-huangxi

How do you know you are addicted to an activity.

Disclaimer: This is to be taken point to point and in context. Of course, please exercise common sense before taking every word as my perspective. To see an event or a behavior in its fullness, one often has to remove himself and his own opinion to see the whole picture.

1. When you are doing it everyday and that is the first thing you want to do when you get home for no apparent reason other than extrinsic pleasure.

This of course include binge eating, gaming, playing the guitar et cetera. These are activities that one can engage in and they are all good activities to relieve stress with. However, it should not affect your sleep, it should not affect your work, and your relationship with your friends as well as family. Many a times, activities such as playing the guitar, gives us a recluse that we often dismiss we have an addiction. While needing a break is true, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to go home just to game again, but if these activities take a higher priority than what is (world view rat race styled) morally correct, then it may be an addiction. 

Why so? Because we are human beings and we live in such a world. If we do not put the right priorities up ahead, we will not be able to survive the onslaught from work and the stress that ever so piles up.

2. When you talk about it all the time. 

Now, there is nothing wrong with talking about, let's say, soccer during lunch break. Nothing wrong with chatting around your boyfriend and his every so sweet and kind actions towards you. I mean, if someone is sweet to you and does such awesome things, there is nothing wrong with it. Especially when you're in love.

However, it crawls and evolves into a problem if what you are talking about is constantly an activity even during work. Or you talk about it all the time even when the topic is on something else, or excludes people within the social circle from the conversation.

3. If you are thinking about it right now while reading this post.

If you even need to suspect whether it is an addiction, it probably is.

Because if it isn't why would such a thought even appear in your mind? It just won't happen.

DISCLAIMER

Loving someone and being head over heels is not an addiction. It will be better if we classified it as infatuation, or being in love. It does not equate to an addiction. For example, just because your mother talks about you to her friends at work doesn't mean she is addicted, it could be that you really have a lot of problems that is alarming her, or that she is really proud of you. Or something.

Humans are not an addiction. You can only be addicted to an activity. We have a wide diverse number of words, choose the right one to describe an "addiction" towards humans.