You're my majesty.

desire to be in You.

Poem - Struggle

How alone must David have felt? 

Every day out in the open only with the sheep

How alone was David at night?

Only animals and stars are in sight

How lonely was David on the inside?

He tried to fill it with battle and wives

Yet what could bring him delight?

Only when He realise, the Lord is there beside.

If you see, believe

Can you imagine? Seeing the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus; but some doubted. 
I pray that I can be counted worthy. That this one touch from heaven will change my life.

I pray that if you experience the Saviour, you will not turn back from His Love. 
I need to be more broken.

Fast.

Been thinking about what Pastor Jentezen always speak about fasting and how he always starts the year with fasting....

Death to the carnal nature, death to the old lifestyle.

自制是很重要的.

Fasting. Fasting is really a torture. 

Oh wells, it is time to rest. 

2020 will be a good year. A year of deeper intimacy.

The whole purpose of life is to pursue.

Your purpose is determine by the end of your pursuit.

Love relationship with God

I'm so thankful for this year.
At last year, I remember that my personal encounter was to know God more by really hearing Him more. I so much so much want to hear [even an] audible voice of God.

It goes back to this verse in Gen 3:8a
Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, And it hit me that God's original plan for creation is to hear the sound of his voice in the cool of the day. In the evenings, at any moment. That the communion with God, to hear Him speak so clearly is at the heart of a relationship with Him.

Throughout this year, I am really so grateful to have experienced God in so much more ways and that I know that He loves me so so so much.

Despite, in spite, as I am, I am loved.

God I pray, that in 2020, You will continue to lead me like you have led.

I have experienced that God is a God who gives us what we desire.

In 2018, I desire to go to SOT. In 2019, I went to SOT, whilst holding my job, and did not compromise on my commitments of spending quality time with my mom, and saw movements of waves in love sweeping over me. Your love is relentless.

In 2020, I desire to have an even more intimate relationship with God.

I also would like to study. But how will the provision be settled?

The provider will provide. May the abiding within the will continue and abound.

Ending off, heres a nice pic of me HAHAH:

Also thankful to have grown so much. Truly I was carried through the storms.

Truly, He is the saving grace of the galaxies. How do I even begin to thank You? Unending blessings, constant favour, overflowing grace.... Yet never condemned, never pressured. Your drawing is so gentle.... I want to be more and more like You. 

Thoughts....

The question that has been stuck in my mind for the past few months is this question that is if Jesus is always with me and Jesus is always praying for me then what on earth is he praying for me about? What is He thinking about of me? What are the things that He is praying for me that God will definitely answer?
God's people are praying people. I need to pray.

We all need a revealed new understanding of how God looks at us.

Poem: love

Ever since we said "I do",
There're now so many things we don't
And for that I keep blaming you
And you are angry at my tone.

The rise and grind, the bread and wine,
Puts a frown as morning dawn.
Still family, and still love, we whine
Looking at each other, happy yet torn.

It's barely been a year or two
Since we went for our honeymoon
Reality makes us a fool
And we work till we're Looney tuned.

The slamming of doors the throwing of hands
Till we cry for nights on end
Yet remember, how this love it flutter
And the reason it all began.

-huangxi

King of my heart. 21 Nov 2018

The only thing in your entire life that is greater than your fears should be your conviction. Even if your understanding and experience does not match yet you must know and let confidence fill you today. Sometimes you do things because you're sure, other times you do it until you're sure,

I am completely convinced,
COMPLETELY.

I want it to be remembered that I was a singer of this song, and that I truly believed in this song.

King of my heart.

Solution

I'd rather stay and wait
On bended knees
Than to fight without You
Only to flee

Patience not measured
By the hours you wait
But be cheery and hopeful
Even if it's late

This ability develops slow
And waiting is its game
Learning to remain till the glory show
And fulfilled in His name.

Solution comes when you present
The girded hands and feet
Struggle not in the quicksand
But in waiting, Him you'll meet.

-huangxi

Inspired by Solution - Hillsong

Repost: Thought Catalog - Dear God, Thank You For This Happiness

Read the full article here

Excerpt from the article that really touched me:

Sometimes I’m worried that I can be happy now, and miserable later. I understand the ups and downs in this world, and that’s why I’ve grown comfortable in settling down for just “okay.”But I’ve come to know that I have a bigger God who can give me something more than just okay. I have a God who wants me to feel the joy that I deserve.

In His presence, I am never alone.  [God] is quick to heal me when I’m so broken.

God puts happiness in my life as a reminder that all my prayers are being recognized.

I promise to never forget Him  because without Him, everything is impossible.

Without Him, I will never feel whole. I will never know what love is. I will never know my purpose. And I will always feel empty.

And I want His kingdom to be my home when my story comes to an end.

And with Him, the empty holes in my heart are always filled by His love. 

Poem - Purpose

I woke up to the sunrise,
Though at three i sleep.
Look out at the windows,
Greeted by the tweet.

Tired still, i tossed and turn
Wanting my slumberland.
Yet mundane tasks filled my brain
From beginning till the end

The plan erupts!
Still in pajamas
My mind opened a can -

Of worms to squash,
And a smile to see,
Of yours at the end.

-huangxi

Ps: it's 2am, i have work at 7am and I can't sleep. take the wheel Jesus. I am soooooo tired but I can't sleep

speak

I long to hear the voice of heaven drawing near to me
With each word you breath new life reviving hope in me


New hope, new life...

I will wait everyday just to hear your voice, in the quiet place; I know you're close.

I love you Jesus.

With open arms and an open heart, I come to You, Daddy God.






Open communication. I never want to hide anything from you daddy, and I pray you will give me the peace to listen and understand every word you speak. Let your voice calm the fear in me. You're my solid rock, you are.

nerves!

Had a successful interview yesterday, one more tomorrow. 

GO SAM!

Immediate

Hearts you move. 
Rain, i must call. 
Relationships, we speak. 
Water, i drink. 
Yearningly run; 
to You i come. 
Distractions diminish,
until this race i finish.

-huangxi

On your marks

Take what you need,
and only what you need.
The road is long. 

Pack enough, pack light, 
bring a friend. 
That's what will see you through,
till the end.

-huangxi

Hide and Seek: His Will isn't the point (Taken from Pst Steven Furtick's blog)

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter.

Proverbs 25:2

There's a reason God's will in specific situations is so difficult to know sometimes. There's a reason that not everything is black and white. It can be difficult to discern God's will for a lot of situations.

Who to date.

Where to go to college.

Who to marry.

Where to move.

What job to take.

And it's not because you're not praying. You're probably praying a lot. It's not because you don't want to know His will. You probably aren't lacking that desire.

But according to this verse in Proverbs, it's because God conceals.

But why? After all, that seems counterintuitive to God's purposes and using you in them.

The reason isn't because God doesn't want you to know His will. He wants you to know it more than you want to know it. God has something so much greater for you instead.

Him.

God's not up in heaven hiding His will, hoping you'll never be able to find it. But He does play hide and seek. He doesn't just want us to find His will, He wants us to find Him in the process. Because if His will was in plain view, we would seek it instead of seeking Him.

That's why he conceals it. That's why it's so hard.

The point isn't for God to make His will plain. His will isn't the main objective. He is the main objective. He wants you to discover Him above all else.

As you run after God and his good, pleasing, and perfect will, remember these two truths:

God isn't the shortcut to your best life. He is your best life.

God doesn't want to give you the guide for your life. He wants to be your Guide.

The scariest possibility for your life isn't getting God's will wrong. It's getting God's will right but barely coming to know God in the process.

You could love the right woman but lose your first love.

You could find the right career but then make it your god.

That's why He doesn't just write His will for you in the clouds. At the end of the process, He wants you to know something far greater than what you should do next with your life.

He wants you to know who He is.

John 21:15-17

15 So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah,[b] do you love Me more than these?”

He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.”

He said to him, “Feed My lambs.”

16 He said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of Jonah,[c] do you love Me?”

He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.”

He said to him, “Tend My sheep.”

17 He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of Jonah,[d] do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love Me?”

And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.”

Jesus said to him, “Feed My sheep."

Jesus, after eating with Simon Peter, asks him if he loves Jesus more than all these.

Ἰησοῦς: "Σίμων Ἰωάννου* , ἀγαπᾷς με πλέον τούτων ?

Jesus: Simon of Jonah, love me more than these?

Peter: Ναί  , Κύριε  ;  σὺ οἶδας ὅτι φιλῶ σε

Peter: Yes, Lord(Kyrios), You know I have affection for you.

These refers to? 

From: Matthew Henry's commentary:

https://www.biblestudytools.com/commentaries/matthew-henry-complete/john/21.html

The question is affecting; he does not ask, "Dost thou fear me? Dost thou honour me? Dost thou admire me?’’ but, "Dost thou love me? Give but proof of this, and the affront shall be passed by, and no more said of it.’’ Peter had professed himself a penitent, witness his tears, and his return to the society of the disciples; he was now upon his probation as a penitent; but the question is not, "Simon, how much hast thou wept? how often hast thou fasted, and afflicted thy soul?’’ but, Dost thou love me? It is this that will make the other expressions of repentance acceptable. The great thing Christ eyes in penitents is their eyeing him in their repentance. Much is forgiven her, not because she wept much, but because she loved much. 2. His function would give occasion for the exercise of his love. Before Christ would commit his sheep to his care, he asked him, Lovest thou me? Christ has such a tender regard to his flock that he will not trust it with any but those that love him, and therefore will love all that are his for his sake. Those that do not truly love Christ will never truly love the souls of men, or will naturally care for their state as they should; nor will that minister love his work that does not love his Master. Nothing but the love of Christ will constrain ministers to go cheerfully through the difficulties and discouragements they meet with in their work, 2 Co. 5:13, 2 Co. 5:14 . But this love will make their work easy, and them in good earnest in it.Secondly, Lovest thou me more than these? pleion touton . "Lovest thou me more than thou lovest these, more than thou lovest these persons?’’ Dost thou love me more than thou dost James or John, thy intimate friends, or Andrew, thy own brother and companion: Those do not love Christ aright that do not love him better than the best friend they have in the world, and make it to appear whenever they stand in comparison or in competition. Or, "more than thou lovest these things, these boats and nets—more than all the pleasure of fishing, which some make a recreation of—more than the gain of fishing, which others make a calling of.’’ Those only love Christ indeed that love him better than all the delights of sense and all the profits of this world. "Lovest thou me more than thou lovest these occupations thou art now employed in? If so, leave them, to employ thyself wholly in feeding my flock.’’  2. "Lovest thou me more than these love me, more than any of the rest of the disciples love me?’’ And then the question is intended to upbraid him with his vain-glorious boast, Though all men should deny thee, yet will not I. "Art thou still of the same mind?’’ Or, to intimate to him that he had now more reason to love him than any of them had, for more had been forgiven to him than to any of them, as much as his sin in denying Christ was greater than theirs in forsaking him. Tell me therefore which of them will love him most? Lu. 7:42 . Note, We should all study to excel in our love to Christ. It is no breach of the peace to strive which shall love Christ best; nor any breach of good manners to go before others in this love. Though we cannot say, We love Christ more than others do, yet we shall be accepted if we can say, We love him indeed.

Three things Jesus asks of Peter to do after he replies that he has affection for his master:

1st time: Feed my lambs.

2nd time: Tend my sheep.

3rd time: Feed my sheep.

The first thing Jesus asks of Peter is to feed his lambs.

Lambs are sheep who are of less than a year old.

The lambs must be fed first, then afterwards go and take care of the sheep. Discovering what the sheep needs, then go and feed the sheep likewise in the areas it needs feeding in. 

All lambs consume the same type of food. 

Lambs require a lot of milk, and after the first month some semi solids.

For the first several weeks of its life, all a lamb needs for nourishment is its mother's milk.  

This milk is the feeding of love to the lambs.

The first milk that a ewe produces after lambing is called colostrum. It is very nutritious and contains antibodies that help lambs fight off diseases during the early part of their lives. 

The promises of God must be fed to the lambs to protect them and their faith.

The ewe only produces colostrum for 24 hours. It is essential that lambs consume adequate colostrum. An amount equivalent to 10 percent of their body weight is recommended.

The promises of God must be fed everyday. You must connect with them everyday.

Lambs will start to nibble on solid food (hay, grass, and grain) soon after birth. By the time they are 4 to 6 weeks old, they may be obtaining as much as 50 percent of their nutrients from sources other than their mother's milk.

At least 50% of their source of nutrition is still the milk, the tender loving unconditional care of the mother.

Only after about a month of constant feeding, then the lambs will begin to nibble on solid food. 

This is the meat. To consume a bit of meat to strengthen their knowledge of God.

Young lambs, 1 to 2 weeks old, are often started on creep feed. Creep feeding is when supplemental feed (usually grain) is offered to nursing lambs. Creep grazing is a similar concept whereby lambs are given access to cleaner, more nutritious pasture. A barrier must be set up that will allow lambs to enter the creep area, but not the ewes.

Creep feed must be palatable and highly-digestible. Lambs are not born with a functioning rumen. They are not able to digest whole grains. They require grains that are easy to digest. Cracked corn and soybean meal usually form the basis of most lamb creep rations. The ingredients are balanced to provide a high protein (18-20 percent) diet. Lambs do not eat a lot of creep feed in the beginning, but it gets them in the habit of eating.

This creep feed, or this meat is supplemental. It does not replace the milk that the lamb needs, but it supplements the milk. Lambs are not born with a functioning rumen.  Lambs are not able to straight away ruminate the food and process the nutrients. That is why the first foods provided to the lambs are easy food, easy meat. The pasture is clean, more nutritious, and highly digestible, easy to understand. The lambs, young children of God require easy to consume food, and will slowly consume and learn from it. 

Learn from it? Learn what? 

Learn the habit of eating.

The lambs need access to the more easily understood texts in the Word of God.

Sheep eats fresh forage. We must provide fresh forage whenever possible. The freshest forage, or the most nutritional grain must be given so that they can grow from it.

We must provide fresh word, fresh grain, for our sheep.

Now, we have lambs which have slowly become sheep.

We must continue feeding our lambs (now sheep).

But before feeding the sheep, you must tend the sheep. When you tend the sheep, the sheep learns to trust you, the shepherd. Only after trusting the shepherd then can the sheep know the Shepherd's voice and uses that as a call to food. This trust on the shepherd must be developed.

The lamb's focus is food. The sheep has developed the ability to recognize the source of the food.

This is only through tending. after tending the sheep, even chasing the sheep back into the pen, guiding the sheep to waters and pastures, then can we start feeding the sheep. And when the sheep has reach maturity, then it will grow and be fruitful and multiply.

As with people, water is the most important "nutrient" that sheep need. How much they consume depends upon their age, size, and production status (and level), as well as temperature of the water and the amount of moisture in their feed. Sheep consuming wet grass or wet feeds (e.g. silage) won't drink a lot of water because they are getting plenty of water from their feed. Conversely, they will drink more water if they are eating dry hay or dry, mature grass. Sheep don't like to drink dirty water.

Water is the Holy Spirit. 

Sheep needs food. Food like grass, or feed. If these foods are wet with water, they won't need to drink as much water. But they will still need water. 

We must provide water, we must provide a touch of the Holy Spirit to our sheep. 

We must also teach our sheep how to access water.

How to access water by themselves. 

So we not only feed them, lead them to clean, still waters, they who are hungrier can feed and drink themselves too.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Help me love you, I only have affection for you. But help me love you.

-huangxi

Beatitudes | from the Discipleship Journal

In a world full of pain, how could Jesus call the poor, the meek, the mourners blessed?

"I prayed so many times, and so hard, so hard I prayed, and nothing happened. And now I'm not so sure... that there is a God."

With these words, freed hostage Thomas Sutherland summed up his six-and-a-half years of captivity in Lebanon. He recounted his seemingly unending ordeal, chained to the wall in a dark, underground cell. He spoke in chilling terms of the day he was beaten so badly that he screamed in pain. And he told the press that he and fellow hostage Terry Anderson, both in chains, passed the time by debating religion. Sutherland took the agnostic view, Anderson argued that God does indeed exist.

After hearing about his experience, you'd think that agnostic Sutherland had the distinct advantage. Isn't his viewpoint painfully understandable? After all, if God exists, if the universe is His, how can such anarchy rule?

All around the globe such things happen, and not just in the arena of political differences. Irrational, disgruntled workers take up arms and turn to rage to gain a hearing, or to release their pent-up frustration. In the process, the innocent, or at least the defenseless, become the victims. Consider the world's rules of order: The weak suffer. The gentle are disregarded. The poor, the hungry, the homeless are forgotten.

Suppose Christ Himself were called on to explain the government of His Kingdom. How would He account for such incongruity: the reign of God and the simultaneous reign of evil? What can He possibly say to us that would dispel our strong suspicion that everything is out of control?

And in this world, as subjects of the unseen King, how are we to live?

What Kind of Kingdom?

Jesus understood the incongruities of His Kingdom. He knew who He was: both the Son of God and the child of human poverty. He knew the innuendo surrounding His birth, how His expectant parents had been ridiculed by judgmental neighbors. He also knew that the good news of His birth had meant death to Bethlehem's infant sons. He knew what it was to be misunderstood by those closest to Him. He knew the oppression of life in occupied territories, under often inequitable rule. He knew, as He faced the great temptation, that the kingdoms of the world were, in some mysterious sense, Satan's possession to offer. He knew that the land was filled with the sick to be healed, the demon-controlled to be delivered, the captives to be freed. He knew He would face betrayal and excruciating execution. He knew that we who follow Him would also fail Him.

He was not naive.

He knew.

What sort of Kingdom is His, then, that His world and ours should remain so frustratingly unchanged?

Of course, the people followed Him at first because they suspected He would change the world. They faced disease and saw Him as their healer. They grew hungry and clamored for Him to be their provider. They languished under Rome and wondered if He might not be the liberator they had longed for.

The crowds were His. Until He withheld His miracles. Until He dismissed political solutions. Until He told them to count the cost.

What sense was there in joining this no-change kingdom?

And yet, how could they—or we—misunderstand His agenda for change? All the clues were there—for them and now for us—at the beginning of His ministry, in the first ninety-six words of His first great sermon. We have come to call that sermon introduction, "The Beatitudes." Those ninety-six words form a sort of preamble to the Constitution of the Kingdom, the Sermon on the Mount.

Time yourself. Say them aloud, slowly, thoughtfully. The essence of the Kingdom is conveyed in less than sixty seconds.

"Blessed Are The Poor in Spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Mt. 5:3-10).

A Kingdom in Two Tenses

Welcome to the invisible Kingdom. The Kingdom in two tenses—present and future—where what God does now, within us, foreshadows what He will do for us someday, out in the open, for all to see. In this Kingdom, the ruler's subjects will thrive, though they have faced persecution. Meekness will be rewarded, sorrow taken away, legitimate desires fulfilled. Those who know how, see the face of God. Peacemakers, not warmongers, are given the place of honor. The humble, not the proud, are exalted. And in this Kingdom, today and until the King returns, we undergo astonishing inward change, so that we are equipped to live in a world that, for now, stubbornly refuses to change.

"Blessed."

Such an odd way to begin a sermon, and a career.

"Blessed."

"Blessed."

"Blessed."

Eight pronouncements, delineating a joy that can coexist with pain.

A deep happiness can be ours in the midst of poverty, in the face of sorrow, in the position of weakness. We value righteousness and are rewarded. We show mercy and receive it in return. We live in purity and meet the Purifier. We spread peace and are known by God's name. And if life's worst befalls us, even then the King Himself is with us; His Kingdom belongs to us.

Impossible Standards

I used to stumble over the Beatitudes as I read. I saw them as beautiful, religious-sounding statements. It was fitting that they should be immortalized on wall-hangings and greeting cards. But what did they mean? It was after I began considering their opposites that I felt their life-changing force.

I am blessed if I am "poor in spirit," not if I am overcome with pride over my own importance and spiritual achievements.

I am blessed if I "mourn," not if I am callous and insensitive to the pain around me.

I am blessed if I am "meek," not if I am swallowed up with greed and anger.

I am blessed if I "hunger and thirst after righteousness," not if I am indifferent toward God and His ways.

I am blessed if I am "merciful," not if I am bitter, resentful, and cold.

I am blessed if I am "pure in heart," not if my thoughts are filled with impurity.

I am blessed if I am a "peacemaker," not if I am critical, judgmental, and hostile.

I am blessed if I am "persecuted because of righteousness," not if I am ashamed of God or embarrassed to be known as His follower.

Reeling from the impact of the Beatitudes, I understood a bit more clearly why this great sermon began with those ninety-six words. The sermon's standards are impossibly high. In this Kingdom, the laws are written on hearts—love your enemies, control your lust, tame your anger, withhold judgment. Who can fulfill the expectations? Only spiritually renovated people. "Blessed" people. Until I grasp these spiritual qualities, the Beatitudes, it will be hard to hear the rest of the sermon. That preamble puts the Constitution of the Kingdom in perspective.

But in reading these characteristics as spiritual qualities, I must not forget their earthly tone, or I will miss much of what Jesus was trying to convey. That is, He used the language of poverty, sorrow, and human conflict for a reason.

"Your Kingdom come."

Perhaps you have noticed: Though the Beatitudes are recorded by both Matthew (chapter 5) and Luke (chapter 6), we tend to favor Matthew in our reading. His rendition sounds so spiritual. Luke's is more earthly. Also, as Luke relates it, Jesus speaks to us directly, in the second person.

Matthew says, "Blessed Are The Poor in Spirit." Luke says simply, "Blessed are you who are poor."

Matthew says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness." Luke says, "Blessed are you who hunger now."

Throughout Scripture the poor, the hungry, the disenfranchised are depicted as somehow closer to the Kingdom. They are less likely to trust in their own position or merit, more apt to be driven to God out of their hopelessness. Wealth, comfort, and position can so easily blind us to what matters. The discomfort of poverty, on the other hand, may open our spiritual eyes to see ourselves as we truly are.

Is it possible that lacking food would lead us to a place where we are more likely to hunger and thirst after righteousness? Could it be that our material poverty would help us to understand what it means to be poor in spirit?

It is certainly understandable that six-and-a-half years of captivity and "unanswered prayers" would lead a man to question the existence of God. But is it really surprising that another man, going through the same experience, would come to a different conclusion? Couldn't such an experience drive us to God, if only we could make sense of His silence?

What if hardship—poverty, hunger, sorrow, even persecution—did open our eyes to see Earth's invisible King? What if seeing Him changed us, even if our circumstances remained unchanged? Wouldn't we also find ourselves filled with a deep joy, a mysterious happiness? If we could sense God with us, even in our most severe heartache—if it is possible—wouldn't we then discover what it truly means to be "blessed"?

Is it such incongruity that drives Jesus to begin His sermon, and in a sense His ministry, with sixty seconds of perspective?

"Blessed."

"Blessed."

"Blessed."

We must not lightly dismiss Thomas Sutherland's 2,347 days of captivity. Neither do nice words take away the blinding sting of grief for families in this country who have lost someone they love to mindless violence. The poor may not be lifted from their poverty. The hungry may remain unfed. The homeless may still search for shelter.

The invisible King knew we would long for justice and for some reasonable comfort. Not surprisingly, then, in this same great sermon he taught us to pray, "Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." The outward changes we all crave will come. We will experience firsthand the Kingdom's future tense.

Until then, those who know the King, who are being changed from the inside out, may discover a deep happiness, rising above circumstance. In this present tense of the Kingdom, that is the great surprise. The King is alive, writing His preamble within us, and teaching us to live it:

"Blessed."

"Blessed."

"Blessed."



— Discipleship Journal

Now

"While we worry about how fast we grow, God is concerned about how strong we grow. God views our lives from and for eternity, so he is never in a hurry."

The wanting of things to be quick, and for all to be in the "here and now" is a disease.

Pleasure is what is sought for now and the rapid widespread wanting of instant gratification has lead to all these new inventions that are so so prevalent right now.

We have instant noodles.

wired transfer for remittances.

instant text messaging.

And it is good! Much time is saved and processes are quickened BUT

The human being in us now gets to sit on MAGLEV trains and everything of low importance to us is sped up, we cram 3 days filled of activities into a single 8 hour work day with FaceTime and Skype, not forgetting our constant furious tapping unto phones to ensure the other aspects of our lives are well managed.

But there are no short-cuts to maturity.

In America, tomatoes are sprayed red. https://www.davidsonfarmersmarket.org/painted-tomatoes-ethaline-gas-speeds-ripening/
Ripening is sped up so that it can be sold before its time, saving costs in transport, increasing turnover tenure since lesser time is needed for growth.

But that should never be what we do.

moving on

I think I will be stopping poetry to focus on other stuff.

Humans need not distractions, or rather I don't need distractions. I need fulfillment. But when fulfillment seems distant, distractions seen easy. easy small tasks to guide us to fulfillment.

I have placed aside many things that are beneficial only to me in favour of things others will suffer when I do not do, not realizing that it creates an atmosphere and environment for me which greatly puts me down.

Balance is the hardest to strike.

The Prayer of a Minor Prophet by A.W Tozer

The Prayer of a Minor Prophet by A. W Tozer (minor edits done for translation into Mordern English)

This is the prayer of a man called to be a witness to the nations. This is what he said to his Lord on the day of his ordination. After the elders and ministers had prayed and laid their hands on him he withdrew to meet his Saviour in the secret place and in the silence, farther in than his well-meaning brethren could take him. And he said:

O Lord, I have heard Your voice and was afraid. You have called me to an awesome task in a grave and perilous hour. You are about to shake all nations and the earth and also heaven, that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. O Lord, our Lord, Tou has stopped to honour me to be Your servant. No man takes this honour upon himself save He that is called of God as was Aaron. You have ordained me Your messenger to them that are stubborn of heart and hard of hearing. They have rejected You, the Master, and it is not to be expected that they will receive me, the servant.

My God, I shall not waste time deploring my weakness nor my unfittedness for the work. The responsibility is not mine but Yours. You have said, “I knew you—I ordained you—I sanctified you,” and You has also said, “You shalt go to all that I shall send you, and whatsoever I command you you shall speak.” Who am I to argue with You or to call into question Your sovereign choice? The decision is not mine but Yours. So be it, Lord. Your will, not mine, be done.

Well do I know, to God of the prophets and the apostles that as long as I honour You, You will honour me. Help me therefore to take this solemn vow to honour You in all my future life and labours, whether by gain or by loss, by life or by death, and then to keep that vow unbroken while I live.

It is time, O God, for You to work, for the enemy has entered into Your pastures and the sheep are torn and scattered. And false shepherds abound who deny the danger and laugh at the perils which surround Your flock. The sheep are deceived by these hirelings and follow them with touching loyalty while the wolf closes in to kill and destroy. I beseech You, give me sharp eyes to detect the presence of the enemy; give me understanding to distinguish the false friend from the true. Give me vision to see and courage to report what I see faithfully. Make my voice so like Yours own that even the sick sheep will recognize it and follow You.

Lord Jesus, I come to You for spiritual preparation. Lay Your hand upon me. Anoint me with the oil of the New Testament prophet. Forbid that I should become a religious scribe and thus lose my prophetic calling. Save me from the curse that lies dark across the face of the modern clergy, the curse of compromise, of imitation, of professionalism. Save me from the error of judging a church by its size, its popularity or the amount of its yearly offering. Help me to remember that I am a prophet; not a promoter, not a religious manager—but a prophet. Let me never become a slave to crowds. Heal my soul of carnal ambitions and deliver me from the itch for publicity. Save me from the bondage to things. Let me not waste my days puttering around the house. Lay Your terror upon me, O God, and drive me to the place of prayer where I may wrestle with principalities and powers and the rulers of the darkness of this world. Deliver me from overeating and late sleeping. Teach me self-discipline that I may be a good soldier of Jesus Christ.

I accept hard work and small rewards in this life. I ask for no easy place. I shall try to be blind to the little ways that I could make my life easier. If others seek the smoother path I shall try to take the hard way without judging them too harshly. I shall expect opposition and try to take it quietly when it comes. Or if, as sometimes it falls out to Your servants, I shall have grateful gifts pressed upon me by Your kindly people, stand by me then and save me from the blight that often follows. Teach me to use whatever I receive in such manner that it will not injure my soul nor diminish my spiritual power. And if in Your permissive providence honour should come to me from Your church, let me not forget in that hour that I am unworthy of the least of Your mercies, and that if men knew me as intimately as I know myself they would withhold their honours or bestow them upon others more worthy to receive them.

And now, O Lord of heaven and earth, I consecrate my remaining days to You; let them be many or few, as You will. Let me stand before the great or minister to the poor and lowly; that choice is not mine, and I would not influence it if I could. I am Your servant to do Your will, and that will is sweeter to me than position or riches or fame and I choose it above all things on earth or in heaven. Though I am chosen of You and honoured by a high and holy calling, let me never forget that I am but a man of dust and ashes, a man with all the natural faults and passions that plague the race of men. I pray You therefore, my Lord and Redeemer, save me from myself and from all the injuries I may do myself while trying to be a blessing to others. Fill me with Your power by the Holy Spirit, and I will go in Your strength and tell of Your righteousness, even Yours only. I will spread abroad the message of redeeming love while my normal powers endure.

Then, dear Lord, when I am old and weary and too tired to go on, have a place ready for me above, and make me to be numbered with Your saints in glory everlasting. Amen

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Lord, let it be my prayer too. 

Relationship

RELIGION.

Ever since young, I am a Christian. I sort of believed that Jesus is real, and without questioning accepted it as my faith.

When presented the question, my answer has always been the same: "I am a Christian."
But what I know as my religion, I slowly begin to realize how much I hate religion.

I really only care about the relationship(s).

The relationships I had with the people in Church.
The relationships I had with people of the similar faith, as (at least) most Christians are nice.
Then I realize, it is the same with God.

God in the Old Testament gave us the Ten Commandments to follow. That is the Law.
In the Age of Law, the following of it ensures safety and blessing. Disregard leads only to banishment from His presence.
Seems very much like "Either obey Me or die".

But God isn't like that. Which is why He offered an alternative.

Which is Jesus.

Jesus says this: That if you believe in Him that He can be the Way for you, to lead you in Truth to Life with God, He can cleanse and forgive your sins and heal your land.

But how?

The answer is actually to have a relationship with God.

When you have a girlfriend, you like her at the start may be due to her appearance, her sweet sweet smile, cheerful disposition and just how everything falls together. BUT, you end up doing things that she approves of, and halt habits against her disapproval because you want to be aligned with her values.

Similarly, God wants us to be able to go up to a higher level with Him, and is willing to take us higher and soar alongside us. 

2 Corinthians 3:16-18 The Message (MSG) 16-18 Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We’re free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

When we enter into a relationship with God, a communal relationship, we are saying

God let us be like lovers, 
let us be like friends. 
We'll go through stuff together, 
all things hand in hand.
Lead me down the path
Mountains and valleys low
Your presence is enough
It's all I need to know

When we see that God has let Jesus tear the veil, and we see Him, face to face! And as Jesus washed us clean, now we stand facing God, shirt painted white without blemish. We realize that all He really wanted was for us to be clean and enjoy life, to depend on Him for everything, for He longs to take care of us. Really! That truth be told, He is the One beside us through every toss and turn, up and down the roller-coaster of life. He let us do the stuff that we can on our own, and He will NOT interfere, for He believes in us. As we understand that, we realize that it is not some commandments binding us anymore. We can simply choose NOT to sin because we do not want to be dirtied, it pains for us to see Jesus willingly die for us again.

And that is when we say: God, am I sick and tired of doing things my way and fail! And not only fail, because of it:

I feel lousy about myself and I cannot find validation for my mistakes. 
Nothing is able to justify, what I have said, every lie. 
Nothing could recuperate, the loss I've caused, the mess I've made.

So I choose to live a life that is pleasing and respectable, a life worthy to be known as Jesus' bride. His beloved that He is longing for.

This is why Christianity is a relationship for me.



Because of this Cross.

Because of this cross, I am going to pursue a relationship with who I call God.

Nuff said.

-huangxi