18 February, 2016
There has been, in the past few days, since the completion of my school project, where there is just this eternal sadness of a certain kind that has filled me within. I cannot find the reason why this is happening, I only know I am sad and that I want to just feel everything in the world because it seems I have lost my ability to feel the external world. Lost my sensing.
There is no reason for me to be sad but I am. There is nothing for me to be angry about but I am filled with an immense anger to throw fists onto the wall, until my mind stops me, reminding me of the pain that will come and a lack of benefit from doing that.
Maybe it isn't the lack of reason to be sad. But because I never needed a reason to be happy, now that I really did not have a tangible reason to be happy, I can't feel happy.
Is life reaching a standstill? Or is this how transition feels like?
Not really too much. But I guess everything will be fine in its time. Change and being diligent in your work is the hardest thing around to do, especially when you're working to pay off bills.... the motivation just isn't there and the only reason you do it is to survive? Tough. But sometimes it is the only way to survive to see another day, to climb another mountain, to grow another muscle until we are able to achieve the lifestyle that we want.