24 December, 2015

Rapping in the night because my mind wont sleep

Reasons for treasons, i know tis the season, 
I am in the wrong, just shouldn't let it be born -
Into words, these thoughts should be kept silent
Coz the less you sin the more you get to heaven

and words they come, out of my mouth
only to defile and to give you a crown
of thorns, that hurt ya, that only destroy ya
it's no longer a game if the gun points bazinga

and bang there it goes, you're dead and who knows
the final words that you speak, you're now dead and alone - 
those final touches that you gave to this broken world
will stay all the more silent as your tongue no longer swirls

In peace! I hope -  thats where we stay
or rather its our only wish that we today pray
For ourselves, I mean who at all doesn't
want to live a life without having to ask God questions

I mean happiness! That's truth and that's our goal,
To spread out our wings and fly to the rainbow
with smiles,that are brighter than a thousand suns
and I can't even believe the person I nearly become

As I see! I look into this cracked mirror
I see the person I wanted to give a big whirl-
And punch! with my fists, to knock him out
As I became the person I have always screamed about

20 December, 2015

Poem: I Never Knew

I never knew what I wanted to do,
So all I did was write.
I filled pages and pages up in full
with the scribbles of my life.

I never knew where I wanted to go,
So all I did was walk.
Journeying through deserts and snow
and hanging on treetops.

I never knew when i wanted to leave,
so all I did was stay.
Listened to the chatter and laughter in peace
as night turns into day.

I never knew who I wanted to meet,
so all i did was find -
in parties, subways and the alleyways
till you got on my mind.

I always have my thoughts for writing on the train, in parties when I am gazing into the unknown, and in the quiet alleyways where the chatter fills me and I just get hit by this crazy ball of words mixed with a fiery rocket of emotions, much like a bottle of tequila ignited on fire that just burns us into the future of our dreams.

Most of the time, as I am a person of rhythm, who moves and even talks and thinks in beats, albeit irregular at times. This may be a reason why I write in iambic pentameter or just pentameter at times.

Writing has always been a passion. I have no hope but this: that one day I will look back on all the poems I have written on this blog and be able to say I am a much better writer and person now. To be able to say that I have stayed drunk on writing throughout the journey.


13 December, 2015

I Jumped to Catch but Fell

Motivation by pain, and not love is a sad thing.
You worked so hard, but no one sees past the smoke screen.
The gentle rain showers turns the pavement grey,
It makes us all sad so the sun turns it silver again.
But oh! What a tragedy, all we felt was scorch-
ing heat, our sweat stains on our shirt drops,
Curse and swear, hating on the sunrays,
As we fail to see the beauty of the rainbow overhead.


The rainbow and the just risen sun, across the azure blue sky. It is a beautiful sight to behold. Tiny mockingbirds up in the sky, they sing a song to welcome to entering of dawn. The air is gently wet with dew and the droplets from the after-rain weather glistens on the gentle leave blades, sparkling and looking pretty just like the flower they surround. The fresh, morning smell of loveliness showered from the sky filled across the meadows, and with it they bring the morning light. This isn't like the other mornings. It is the first time I could smell the warmth of the weather, and the coolness of the sun. I stood up and was surprised at my own ability to read the scene. It has been 15 years since I last slept in this attap house, but I could still remember how it felt back then. 

26 November, 2015

I had a dream in 2 hours of sleep.

I just fell asleep peacefully for the first time and dreamt. It wasn't under the dream catcher for I wasn't under my bed. I fell asleep by the side while in my house, sprawled and reading a book when I felt tired and my eyes closed, contacts still inside. 


I dreamt a dream, and it was my first in ages, perhaps years. With one so clear, definitely the first.

You always knew I couldn't sleep well, I never told you why.
I never told you I never had dreams. 

Dreaming, if you ever were an inquisitive person like me, happens when there is REM. Rapid eye movement. Sleep that happen about two hours after you dozed off. That is when most dreams occur.
Deep sleep occurs after REM take place.

I fall into deep sleep quite often. At least I believe so. Why?
Because when I fall asleep its sometimes hard to wake me up and get me to a full conscious state.

But after about 6 hours since the start of my slumber, I awake at the first burst of sunrays, or the first laughter bursting forth from a distance. In fact, it's anything that's unfamiliar to the alleys of my life.

But after so long, and for the first time, I had a dream.

I dreamt something I knew was possible after a gigantic eon.
But would probably not come to pass.

But I'm happy that I dreamt. But as I look at it and realized I have not been under the dream catcher, not under the mythical protection of it, or rather, not under the protection of your good will, - I wonder if it was a good dream at all.

Pre birthday thoughts.

Having a million scattered thoughts to pen down, i went to read a book.

The breaking of waves, the white in waves... Still wondering what this means.

Searching for an answer, looking for my epiphany. 

Deadline is in 8 days.
Am i doomed?

I honestly felt this year will be my best birthday ever.
I still think so though it feels not.

Maybe my intuition can prove my feelings wrong for once.

23 November, 2015


People keep strumming the wrong strings, and clap for the pop tunes, no one realises talent for its worth, and the notion of hard work is overrated.

Kill me for the post, strip me thin and bare, a brain wins rote learning when motivation's square.

22 November, 2015

Best friends

When you learn so much about a person and now you are forced to forget most of it until you become best friends again(if it ever happens), its hard. 
Its so hard.
Because honestly speaking, at least as an infj, i only stop caring if you make me slam the door on you. Or else i see no reason to slam the door.
No reason at all.

You should never slam the door on a person. Everyone is a nice person when you really get to know them deep down.

I hope i will be able to move on.
It will probably take another week, even though i told you a month. I don't think you would need to forget about me, but it would be better for you. A bridge can always be built again, but if you want to prevent a flood, build a dam.

A dam is high. A dam only let its waters flow in bursts. A dam doesnt work like a river, the water doesn't flow so often.

If we want to work it out, it has to be a dam. Meetings are less regular, at least in the beginning. After that, at least until the confirmation has come again that I've moved on, we can try out the friendship again.

My mistake the previous time was running away.
It helped and i took a month to erase the memory which wasn't strong.

But i realised.

"Running away from something is no good. But running to something, now thata different. That's running to a goal. Running away from something, if you do that you may not like what you find." - Uncle Axel, paraphrased excerpt from The Chrysalids

Its time for me to run to something instead of running away.

I'm wiser now. 


20 November, 2015

A Day's Journey

The tangerine sun waltz through the sky
As time goes from dawn to dusk
The arc of the trail of its blazing rays
Like a boomerang swerved past

The cheerful chirp catapults through the boulevards 
As the gentle breeze sweeps me off my feet 
And journeys me afar

The clouds are singing
The wind is dancing 
Cant you see oh?
Its a good day rejoicing!

The streets are filled with autumn air
Canopies are shades of red
Lets have fun just like the leaves
Dancing till they're dead

Its a day - turned into night 
Let's start the campfire
We'll dance around feeling the warmth
Make merry in cold weather

The moon is glowing
The stars are shining 
Can you feel it?
We're all now sparkling!

The bonfire crackles as the wood creaks
And fades with it the light
But the ambers within glow through and through
And stay throughout the night.

As the breathing ceases and the heaving starts
We all lie on the floor
Drunkards sober whatever the like
On the ground we snore

The night is passing,
Dew is forming,
When tomorrow comes,
We'll keep walking.

-cricantrail :)

12 November, 2015

Been thinking

I've been thinking.

The way I do things, the way I try to do things. The way I help people.

One day, I'm gonna be doing it when suddenly it just breaks me.

When that happens, I hope there will be a true friend there to hold my broken pieces.

07 October, 2015

Imagine a Daydream

While I lie here in bed,
I realize why God didn't give me dreams at night.
Because in the day,
Whenever I see you I see my dreams come true

And through the skies I never see stars,
I often wonder where they are.
I thought it strange, and bizarre,
but once I saw you my mouth's ajar

Your smile is a delight to the soul,
with you the journey gets better,
It's never too late when I'm with you
For you make the darkest nights brighter

I think of you as I look at the sky;
it is a stardust twilight.
My thoughts stir from dawn to dusk;
wishing our paths again collide.

Close to the darkest of the night,
the abyss swept past me.
Terror of thoughts unfulfilled
I begin to tremble

Cohesive thoughts of you I form
To keep my mind in light
I wish to know how the story ends
so I know whether to fight; or flight.

26 September, 2015

Muses of a lark

Why are there
filters on cigarettes
As pain demands to be felt
Not to knock out but to bring a deep enough-
sounding lesson
to the student.

When will there be
the rainbow that we all awaited
From many years ago
To know that the sad rain-
of happiness drowned has gone
But not regretted that it came.

Will there ever be a time
where we can be happy
like the larks in the sky
fluttering through before the hunter-
came and took your partner's life
before you could say goodbye?

So I hope you know
that the best lesson is sorrow
In it is a yearning for pain
earnest calling of desperation till-
the Sun dawned
For that is then; when joy is, oh yes! It is known.


26 July, 2015


Can't wait for school to start, internship is well, a fun place.

But I really miss the people in school a lot.

School is actually a fun place.
Where I can make noise, disturb people, yet get pestered like nobody's business regarding work. But at the same time where I don't have to suffer pressure alone.

Suffering pressure alone at the workplace is tiring.

KPI...... why must I hit my deadlines so fast when it isn't my fault :(

I miss consolation, I crave support. But I know that is not what I need.

I need determination and focus.


19 June, 2015


I tried to embrace so many different genre of music, types of films. But it is always that one genre, that beautiful mystique in surreal sounds and inaudible air riffs that make me fall in love with poems, song lyrics that write a certain jingle coupled with a strange, buzzling joyful melody that brings me up and makes me sing it out loud, creating a persona in me that wants to bring my best out for this song, and this song, it resonates deep within me and holding in its charmful pocket my exact sentiments, my equilateral feelings; amplifying it and making me feel like there is a bubble; a bubble filling up the void left by the vessels around me who are mellow and drowning and the space created, this space is like a bubble bouncing gently about and me being in the centre of it; and as i see the sunbeams dazzling and glowing into my zone; i gently whisper for a door to be opened; and I hereby invite you in. :)


PS: practicing my prose and just writing my thoughts. :)

11 June, 2015

Poem - Human pentimento

It's the fire scene that scarred me
crimson blood dripping from the tree
Run; trip, scratch through and past twigs
I hide in the cleft; the lee of the stone.

Cracked skin; broken lines on palm
We hide what we are afraid to show
Longing to see what we do not know
Hiding from people; feeling low.

Vile reminder of life, standing in front of strife
Clammy hands; clammy feet
Independent of how much I tried
Despite all, I faced defeat

No relief from the noises above
Thundering! Yelling! yet mutterings of love
All sorts of lies, diverse masks
We put our heart in wooden casks.

The torturer knows no sorrow
His goal in sight when your pain you hide

Yet - a gall I will lick
No regrets to this life I live
Thick and thin is no difference
The world belong to the meek

Tarry in this pain
Tarry just a while
Pain brings relief to lunatics
me smile

There is no biasedness in life
Just too many nuts
All you need is be set straight
To light up your own spark.


PS: aren't we all like a human pentimento.
we hide from our past, our ugly and our life.
we only show what we want others to see
so others will see and then they believe
But really our lives changed so much
as we struggle between our thoughts
who to be and what to say
cluttering thoughts in our mind each day.
constantly repainting
we want a fresh canvas
but life has no restarts
so put your best foot first.

I just want to live

Its like swimming, you push yourself in, get up. It's good exercise. You train ur muscles. You get to play with water. Unleash the inner kid in you.
I wish I know how to swim.

But I can't swim. I can't. I want to experience life like others but as I push myself in all I find is a drowning me gasping for air, wanting to live the way I know. And so I held my breath and stretched my smile. There is no doubt of course, how I was the weirdest in the school of fishes swimming, always floating to the top like a whale. But it was just the case: mammal me do not own gills. It is not in my system. I conform, but I know I must be who I am.

Don't you think that I'm a runner, I'll be coming with my guns up shooting at the moon to bring the sun up.

Find no meaning in life? It's fine. Just write down a goal you think will take your entire life to achieve. Now go. Pick yourself up. You are you and only you are fully responsible for yourself and for yourself only. I learnt that a long time ago and boy, I wasn't glad. I was furious, cringing at the fact that I had to embrace such a travesty. But like the cracked mirror, it was truth. Shatter it. Shatter it. Pick up something you create. Form your own mould and mould your own form. Set apart yourself like a flower from weeds. Create your avatar and be your avatar. Don't be a facade. Be your avatar. Be one with the facade. Because you know that you deserve to be who you want to be, and people will come to like you if you are truly happy with who you are. If you are and people don't like you, you wouldn't bother anyway. That's how you know.


07 June, 2015

Current Thoughts

Meteor Shower

I can finally see that You're right there beside me
I am not my own, for I have been made new
Please don't let me go I desperately need You

I am not my own, for I have been made new
Please don't let me go I desperately need You

Song by Owl City https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwzhdRubxFo

How I feel right now in my life. I need to grab hold on to what I lost.
I lost myself.
I pursued a new goal, another new goal, another new goal, and then the mask was removed. I am no longer a facade. I don't want to hide anymore. I am not who I used to be. I can still do what I do best, but I am, on the inside just a hollow shell. And in this hollow shell I am having people lambasting words into it, like a loudhailer, and I transferred all those pain, all those thoughts, all those empty words into my own ballad, I became my own bard.

"A tongue of lamentations pouring out, a whole volume of remorse. Like wet paint, splashed on to the walls with great anguish. The crimson splatter on the floor and the slow drips, a waterfall flowing as it hits from the cascade to the base, without sound, but it can be heard. Pain can be heard."

03 June, 2015

Life securities

I want to just focus on work but there are so many problems around me. Seems like life is life huh. You can never just focus on one thing because life requires us to juggle many responsibilities.

This is why I always want to envision a beautiful future. I want to be able to have a beautiful future real bad. One where my mind can rest in the knowing of my life being secured, assured, and in bliss.

01 June, 2015


We're already in this day and age where lives are lived in a way where we are constantly seeking approval, engaging into the rat race that we forgot to take a step back and enter, delve into this new experience called living, and not just living per se but in fact doing things that are focused on one thing and the one thing that will remain - relationships. Relationships can end, but it cannot be ended without choice. Food must be consumed, clothes will get spoiled, old or out of fashion. But a relationship is different because it has the potential - to last forever. It has the potential to stay in existence so long its corresponding mind stays in existence. And when people dies, who knows? Maybe the minds are still alive, just without a mouthpiece.


31 May, 2015

Poem - A Chance

If I have a chance
I want that chance to be you
As we go to different cafes
to talk about the sun and a sky so blue

If I have a chance
I want that chance to be you
Every smile every conversation
The connection is true.

If I have a chance
You're thinking 'bout it aren't you
how our fate intertwined
you complete my words and me you

If I have a chance
I hope that chance is you
Because being blind is better as
long as me and you are cool.

If I have a chance
It has to be you
Because if it isn't
I would be in prison

If I have a chance
I would never leave you
Because I'm afraid of being alone
But that is when I smile.

I know I have a chance
And that chance is with you
Be courageous and open my mouth
That's all I have to do

I know I have a chance
What could seperate true friends?
But this schrodinger's box
I dont want any loose ends.

If I have a chance
could you then promise
That you would be honest
and pierce my heart with your lance?

If I do stand a chance
I will take it just you wait
Bring you into the home of my heart
You wouldn't wanna leave the gate.


23 May, 2015

Just to discover life where we all are

This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard.But I'm gonna survive. Oh oh these are beautiful times~

Thank God that FYP is going to be over soon. Really.

Dealing with people, students and lecturers that I do not like, is a tough one.
Having so many tough interviewees and irritable people around me, quite tiresome to me.

I just wanna have fun playing the guitar again.
I just wanna have someone understand me again.

I feel so drained texting. Even texting. That I feel so alone even through texting because I cannot feel the other party resonating with what I am feeling.

I am waiting for the day where I can be the lark, I don't want to be the sighing woodpecker anymore.

01 March, 2015

Raw- Silent

Sound you can hear faces you can see
But inaudible are they like the words that you read
Books galore but not a drop of wisdom
Heaven is open but not a touch was given.

To drink and not be filled is to commit a murder
For what stop rage is not actions but comfort from anger
A sparrow flies, constantly he does
Not when he hates home, but whenever he must.

A test, a challenge, a match from afar
Sent on one purpose is the invitation 
Not for doubt, neither for shame
But till i am triumphant the teacher is silent.

-raw. Undone.

Poem- Perception

The one who cried wolf
didnt hear the howl
a cry in the midst of darkness
searching for; wandering through
the forest of serene but
solitude KILLS
the tiger has its cubs
the grass has its greens
but the lone wolf seeks eternity and peace

Misunderstood as evil
forgotten by the good
despised by those better
rejected as crude
gone like the wind
were the days of old
one was respected
just for his mould

Happiness exist when sadness does
a chain has many parts
these faltering emotions go hand in hand
though they're miles apart
plateau unflattering
But mountains scaled from valleys
all serve their purpose
to bring to us an ending

God is good; says the priest
and of course his creation fine;
but what is further from the truth
is evil in mankind.

19 February, 2015

All Eternity Awaits

Above my circumstances it's You I worship

My life surrendered in the mercy of your love

Nothing can be compared to this I now know

You spoke the universe into existence

09 February, 2015

Poem - Need to hang on

I need to hang on I need to persevere
There no more sound my ears cant hear
In this lonely night so dark and alone
The things I see i doubt its true

No value of matter no matter of value
All I need a rope, a method to heal
Leave the abyss, leave this town
But what if that aint what I need now

28 January, 2015

Poem - Reminder

Feeling as lethargic as can be, i cant even stay up after coffee,
no dont give me tea, I just wanna sleep why cant you let me be
i dont need and dont want to know a her
i want to know me thats all that matter

I want to go up but everything's down
I talk to above but it made not a sound
to cry to below what does it do
my tears extinguished by hell fire that blew

kick up a storm, whirlwind in clouds
The eye of the hurricane its surrounding it spouts
neither a foe nor its friend
can hug it nor kiss it and not meet its end

all things have time, and time in control
there's not a healing that time cant bestow
but fury is deep, and hatred is steep,
maneuver the maze you have to be on your feet.

- Huangxi

10 January, 2015

Poem - More than Breathing

When you look into the mirror across this madness
Do you see you or do you see sadness
Above our heads, under the sparrows
Glance at the neon lights, creating our shadows

Do you see what it's going to be
It's a world a theater of dreams
Where we look no more for the answer in our hearts
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our grip

There across the river into the abyss
I see people falling from the bridge
Where is the lighthouse no more watch men
Do we live to fight now just to reach the end

Do you see what it's going to be
It's a world a theater of dreams
Where we look no more for the answer in our hearts
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our grip

And we'll see
The birds that chirp and greet
It's a forest surreal and relieved
And we'll find
Quiet in chaos under our abode
What we left home just to find

Do you see what it's going to be
It's a world a theater of dreams
Where we look no more for the answer in our hearts
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our

Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our, the future's in our, the future's in our grip.