17 April, 2018

John 21:15-17

15 So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah,[b] do you love Me more than these?”
He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.”
He said to him, “Feed My lambs.”
16 He said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of Jonah,[c] do you love Me?”
He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.”
He said to him, “Tend My sheep.”
17 He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of Jonah,[d] do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love Me?”
And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.”
Jesus said to him, “Feed My sheep."

Jesus, after eating with Simon Peter, asks him if he loves Jesus more than all these.
Ἰησοῦς: "Σίμων Ἰωάννου* , ἀγαπᾷς με πλέον τούτων ?
Jesus: Simon of Jonah, love me more than these?
Peter: Ναί  , Κύριε  ;  σὺ οἶδας ὅτι φιλῶ σε
Peter: Yes, Lord(Kyrios), You know I have affection for you.

These refers to? 

From: Matthew Henry's commentary:

https://www.biblestudytools.com/commentaries/matthew-henry-complete/john/21.html

The question is affecting; he does not ask, "Dost thou fear me? Dost thou honour me? Dost thou admire me?’’ but, "Dost thou love me? Give but proof of this, and the affront shall be passed by, and no more said of it.’’ Peter had professed himself a penitent, witness his tears, and his return to the society of the disciples; he was now upon his probation as a penitent; but the question is not, "Simon, how much hast thou wept? how often hast thou fasted, and afflicted thy soul?’’ but, Dost thou love me? It is this that will make the other expressions of repentance acceptable. The great thing Christ eyes in penitents is their eyeing him in their repentance. Much is forgiven her, not because she wept much, but because she loved much. 2. His function would give occasion for the exercise of his love. Before Christ would commit his sheep to his care, he asked him, Lovest thou me? Christ has such a tender regard to his flock that he will not trust it with any but those that love him, and therefore will love all that are his for his sake. Those that do not truly love Christ will never truly love the souls of men, or will naturally care for their state as they should; nor will that minister love his work that does not love his Master. Nothing but the love of Christ will constrain ministers to go cheerfully through the difficulties and discouragements they meet with in their work, 2 Co. 5:132 Co. 5:14 . But this love will make their work easy, and them in good earnest in it.Secondly, Lovest thou me more than these? pleion touton . "Lovest thou me more than thou lovest these, more than thou lovest these persons?’’ Dost thou love me more than thou dost James or John, thy intimate friends, or Andrew, thy own brother and companion: Those do not love Christ aright that do not love him better than the best friend they have in the world, and make it to appear whenever they stand in comparison or in competition. Or, "more than thou lovest these things, these boats and nets—more than all the pleasure of fishing, which some make a recreation of—more than the gain of fishing, which others make a calling of.’’ Those only love Christ indeed that love him better than all the delights of sense and all the profits of this world. "Lovest thou me more than thou lovest these occupations thou art now employed in? If so, leave them, to employ thyself wholly in feeding my flock.’’  2. "Lovest thou me more than these love me, more than any of the rest of the disciples love me?’’ And then the question is intended to upbraid him with his vain-glorious boast, Though all men should deny thee, yet will not I. "Art thou still of the same mind?’’ Or, to intimate to him that he had now more reason to love him than any of them had, for more had been forgiven to him than to any of them, as much as his sin in denying Christ was greater than theirs in forsaking him. Tell me therefore which of them will love him most? Lu. 7:42 . Note, We should all study to excel in our love to Christ. It is no breach of the peace to strive which shall love Christ best; nor any breach of good manners to go before others in this love. Though we cannot say, We love Christ more than others do, yet we shall be accepted if we can say, We love him indeed.


Three things Jesus asks of Peter to do after he replies that he has affection for his master:

1st time: Feed my lambs.
2nd time: Tend my sheep.
3rd time: Feed my sheep.

The first thing Jesus asks of Peter is to feed his lambs.
Lambs are sheep who are of less than a year old.

The lambs must be fed first, then afterwards go and take care of the sheep. Discovering what the sheep needs, then go and feed the sheep likewise in the areas it needs feeding in. 
All lambs consume the same type of food. 
Lambs require a lot of milk, and after the first month some semi solids.

For the first several weeks of its life, all a lamb needs for nourishment is its mother's milk.  
This milk is the feeding of love to the lambs.
The first milk that a ewe produces after lambing is called colostrum. It is very nutritious and contains antibodies that help lambs fight off diseases during the early part of their lives. 
The promises of God must be fed to the lambs to protect them and their faith.
The ewe only produces colostrum for 24 hours. It is essential that lambs consume adequate colostrum. An amount equivalent to 10 percent of their body weight is recommended.
The promises of God must be fed everyday. You must connect with them everyday.

Lambs will start to nibble on solid food (hay, grass, and grain) soon after birth. By the time they are 4 to 6 weeks old, they may be obtaining as much as 50 percent of their nutrients from sources other than their mother's milk.

At least 50% of their source of nutrition is still the milk, the tender loving unconditional care of the mother.

Only after about a month of constant feeding, then the lambs will begin to nibble on solid food. 
This is the meat. To consume a bit of meat to strengthen their knowledge of God.

Young lambs, 1 to 2 weeks old, are often started on creep feed. Creep feeding is when supplemental feed (usually grain) is offered to nursing lambs. Creep grazing is a similar concept whereby lambs are given access to cleaner, more nutritious pasture. A barrier must be set up that will allow lambs to enter the creep area, but not the ewes.

Creep feed must be palatable and highly-digestible. Lambs are not born with a functioning rumen. They are not able to digest whole grains. They require grains that are easy to digest. Cracked corn and soybean meal usually form the basis of most lamb creep rations. The ingredients are balanced to provide a high protein (18-20 percent) diet. Lambs do not eat a lot of creep feed in the beginning, but it gets them in the habit of eating.

This creep feed, or this meat is supplemental. It does not replace the milk that the lamb needs, but it supplements the milk. Lambs are not born with a functioning rumen.  Lambs are not able to straight away ruminate the food and process the nutrients. That is why the first foods provided to the lambs are easy food, easy meat. The pasture is clean, more nutritious, and highly digestible, easy to understand. The lambs, young children of God require easy to consume food, and will slowly consume and learn from it. 

Learn from it? Learn what? 

Learn the habit of eating.

The lambs need access to the more easily understood texts in the Word of God.

Sheep eats fresh forage. We must provide fresh forage whenever possible. The freshest forage, or the most nutritional grain must be given so that they can grow from it.

We must provide fresh word, fresh grain, for our sheep.

Now, we have lambs which have slowly become sheep.

We must continue feeding our lambs (now sheep).

But before feeding the sheep, you must tend the sheep. When you tend the sheep, the sheep learns to trust you, the shepherd. Only after trusting the shepherd then can the sheep know the Shepherd's voice and uses that as a call to food. This trust on the shepherd must be developed.

The lamb's focus is food. The sheep has developed the ability to recognize the source of the food.

This is only through tending. after tending the sheep, even chasing the sheep back into the pen, guiding the sheep to waters and pastures, then can we start feeding the sheep. And when the sheep has reach maturity, then it will grow and be fruitful and multiply.

As with people, water is the most important "nutrient" that sheep need. How much they consume depends upon their age, size, and production status (and level), as well as temperature of the water and the amount of moisture in their feed. Sheep consuming wet grass or wet feeds (e.g. silage) won't drink a lot of water because they are getting plenty of water from their feed. Conversely, they will drink more water if they are eating dry hay or dry, mature grass. Sheep don't like to drink dirty water.

Water is the Holy Spirit. 
Sheep needs food. Food like grass, or feed. If these foods are wet with water, they won't need to drink as much water. But they will still need water. 

We must provide water, we must provide a touch of the Holy Spirit to our sheep. 

We must also teach our sheep how to access water.
How to access water by themselves. 
So we not only feed them, lead them to clean, still waters, they who are hungrier can feed and drink themselves too.


_________________________________________________________________________________________

Help me love you, I only have affection for you. But help me love you.

-huangxi

28 March, 2018

Beatitudes | from the Discipleship Journal

In a world full of pain, how could Jesus call the poor, the meek, the mourners blessed?

"I prayed so many times, and so hard, so hard I prayed, and nothing happened. And now I'm not so sure... that there is a God."

With these words, freed hostage Thomas Sutherland summed up his six-and-a-half years of captivity in Lebanon. He recounted his seemingly unending ordeal, chained to the wall in a dark, underground cell. He spoke in chilling terms of the day he was beaten so badly that he screamed in pain. And he told the press that he and fellow hostage Terry Anderson, both in chains, passed the time by debating religion. Sutherland took the agnostic view, Anderson argued that God does indeed exist.

After hearing about his experience, you'd think that agnostic Sutherland had the distinct advantage. Isn't his viewpoint painfully understandable? After all, if God exists, if the universe is His, how can such anarchy rule?

All around the globe such things happen, and not just in the arena of political differences. Irrational, disgruntled workers take up arms and turn to rage to gain a hearing, or to release their pent-up frustration. In the process, the innocent, or at least the defenseless, become the victims. Consider the world's rules of order: The weak suffer. The gentle are disregarded. The poor, the hungry, the homeless are forgotten.

Suppose Christ Himself were called on to explain the government of His Kingdom. How would He account for such incongruity: the reign of God and the simultaneous reign of evil? What can He possibly say to us that would dispel our strong suspicion that everything is out of control?

And in this world, as subjects of the unseen King, how are we to live?

What Kind of Kingdom?

Jesus understood the incongruities of His Kingdom. He knew who He was: both the Son of God and the child of human poverty. He knew the innuendo surrounding His birth, how His expectant parents had been ridiculed by judgmental neighbors. He also knew that the good news of His birth had meant death to Bethlehem's infant sons. He knew what it was to be misunderstood by those closest to Him. He knew the oppression of life in occupied territories, under often inequitable rule. He knew, as He faced the great temptation, that the kingdoms of the world were, in some mysterious sense, Satan's possession to offer. He knew that the land was filled with the sick to be healed, the demon-controlled to be delivered, the captives to be freed. He knew He would face betrayal and excruciating execution. He knew that we who follow Him would also fail Him.

He was not naive.

He knew.

What sort of Kingdom is His, then, that His world and ours should remain so frustratingly unchanged?

Of course, the people followed Him at first because they suspected He would change the world. They faced disease and saw Him as their healer. They grew hungry and clamored for Him to be their provider. They languished under Rome and wondered if He might not be the liberator they had longed for.

The crowds were His. Until He withheld His miracles. Until He dismissed political solutions. Until He told them to count the cost.

What sense was there in joining this no-change kingdom?

And yet, how could they—or we—misunderstand His agenda for change? All the clues were there—for them and now for us—at the beginning of His ministry, in the first ninety-six words of His first great sermon. We have come to call that sermon introduction, "The Beatitudes." Those ninety-six words form a sort of preamble to the Constitution of the Kingdom, the Sermon on the Mount.

Time yourself. Say them aloud, slowly, thoughtfully. The essence of the Kingdom is conveyed in less than sixty seconds.

"Blessed Are The Poor in Spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"
 (Mt. 5:3-10).

A Kingdom in Two Tenses

Welcome to the invisible Kingdom. The Kingdom in two tenses—present and future—where what God does now, within us, foreshadows what He will do for us someday, out in the open, for all to see. In this Kingdom, the ruler's subjects will thrive, though they have faced persecution. Meekness will be rewarded, sorrow taken away, legitimate desires fulfilled. Those who know how, see the face of God. Peacemakers, not warmongers, are given the place of honor. The humble, not the proud, are exalted. And in this Kingdom, today and until the King returns, we undergo astonishing inward change, so that we are equipped to live in a world that, for now, stubbornly refuses to change.

"Blessed."

Such an odd way to begin a sermon, and a career.

"Blessed."

"Blessed."

"Blessed."

Eight pronouncements, delineating a joy that can coexist with pain.

A deep happiness can be ours in the midst of poverty, in the face of sorrow, in the position of weakness. We value righteousness and are rewarded. We show mercy and receive it in return. We live in purity and meet the Purifier. We spread peace and are known by God's name. And if life's worst befalls us, even then the King Himself is with us; His Kingdom belongs to us.

Impossible Standards

I used to stumble over the Beatitudes as I read. I saw them as beautiful, religious-sounding statements. It was fitting that they should be immortalized on wall-hangings and greeting cards. But what did they mean? It was after I began considering their opposites that I felt their life-changing force.

I am blessed if I am "poor in spirit," not if I am overcome with pride over my own importance and spiritual achievements.

I am blessed if I "mourn," not if I am callous and insensitive to the pain around me.

I am blessed if I am "meek," not if I am swallowed up with greed and anger.

I am blessed if I "hunger and thirst after righteousness," not if I am indifferent toward God and His ways.

I am blessed if I am "merciful," not if I am bitter, resentful, and cold.

I am blessed if I am "pure in heart," not if my thoughts are filled with impurity.

I am blessed if I am a "peacemaker," not if I am critical, judgmental, and hostile.

I am blessed if I am "persecuted because of righteousness," not if I am ashamed of God or embarrassed to be known as His follower.

Reeling from the impact of the Beatitudes, I understood a bit more clearly why this great sermon began with those ninety-six words. The sermon's standards are impossibly high. In this Kingdom, the laws are written on hearts—love your enemies, control your lust, tame your anger, withhold judgment. Who can fulfill the expectations? Only spiritually renovated people. "Blessed" people. Until I grasp these spiritual qualities, the Beatitudes, it will be hard to hear the rest of the sermon. That preamble puts the Constitution of the Kingdom in perspective.

But in reading these characteristics as spiritual qualities, I must not forget their earthly tone, or I will miss much of what Jesus was trying to convey. That is, He used the language of poverty, sorrow, and human conflict for a reason.

"Your Kingdom come."

Perhaps you have noticed: Though the Beatitudes are recorded by both Matthew (chapter 5) and Luke (chapter 6), we tend to favor Matthew in our reading. His rendition sounds so spiritual. Luke's is more earthly. Also, as Luke relates it, Jesus speaks to us directly, in the second person.

Matthew says, "Blessed Are The Poor in Spirit." Luke says simply, "Blessed are you who are poor."

Matthew says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness." Luke says, "Blessed are you who hunger now."

Throughout Scripture the poor, the hungry, the disenfranchised are depicted as somehow closer to the Kingdom. They are less likely to trust in their own position or merit, more apt to be driven to God out of their hopelessness. Wealth, comfort, and position can so easily blind us to what matters. The discomfort of poverty, on the other hand, may open our spiritual eyes to see ourselves as we truly are.

Is it possible that lacking food would lead us to a place where we are more likely to hunger and thirst after righteousness? Could it be that our material poverty would help us to understand what it means to be poor in spirit?

It is certainly understandable that six-and-a-half years of captivity and "unanswered prayers" would lead a man to question the existence of God. But is it really surprising that another man, going through the same experience, would come to a different conclusion? Couldn't such an experience drive us to God, if only we could make sense of His silence?

What if hardship—poverty, hunger, sorrow, even persecution—did open our eyes to see Earth's invisible King? What if seeing Him changed us, even if our circumstances remained unchanged? Wouldn't we also find ourselves filled with a deep joy, a mysterious happiness? If we could sense God with us, even in our most severe heartache—if it is possible—wouldn't we then discover what it truly means to be "blessed"?

Is it such incongruity that drives Jesus to begin His sermon, and in a sense His ministry, with sixty seconds of perspective?

"Blessed."

"Blessed."

"Blessed."

We must not lightly dismiss Thomas Sutherland's 2,347 days of captivity. Neither do nice words take away the blinding sting of grief for families in this country who have lost someone they love to mindless violence. The poor may not be lifted from their poverty. The hungry may remain unfed. The homeless may still search for shelter.

The invisible King knew we would long for justice and for some reasonable comfort. Not surprisingly, then, in this same great sermon he taught us to pray, "Your kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." The outward changes we all crave will come. We will experience firsthand the Kingdom's future tense.

Until then, those who know the King, who are being changed from the inside out, may discover a deep happiness, rising above circumstance. In this present tense of the Kingdom, that is the great surprise. The King is alive, writing His preamble within us, and teaching us to live it:

"Blessed."

"Blessed."

"Blessed."




— Discipleship Journal

19 March, 2018

Now

"While we worry about how fast we grow, God is concerned about how strong we grow. God views our lives from and for eternity, so he is never in a hurry."

The wanting of things to be quick, and for all to be in the "here and now" is a disease.

Pleasure is what is sought for now and the rapid widespread wanting of instant gratification has lead to all these new inventions that are so so prevalent right now.

We have instant noodles.

wired transfer for remittances.

instant text messaging.

And it is good! Much time is saved and processes are quickened BUT

The human being in us now gets to sit on MAGLEV trains and everything of low importance to us is sped up, we cram 3 days filled of activities into a single 8 hour work day with FaceTime and Skype, not forgetting our constant furious tapping unto phones to ensure the other aspects of our lives are well managed.

But there are no short-cuts to maturity.

In America, tomatoes are sprayed red. https://www.davidsonfarmersmarket.org/painted-tomatoes-ethaline-gas-speeds-ripening/
Ripening is sped up so that it can be sold before its time, saving costs in transport, increasing turnover tenure since lesser time is needed for growth.

But that should never be what we do.


07 March, 2018

moving on

I think I will be stopping poetry to focus on other stuff.

Humans need not distractions, or rather I don't need distractions. I need fulfillment. But when fulfillment seems distant, distractions seen easy. easy small tasks to guide us to fulfillment.

I have placed aside many things that are beneficial only to me in favour of things others will suffer when I do not do, not realizing that it creates an atmosphere and environment for me which greatly puts me down.

Balance is the hardest to strike.


28 February, 2018

The Prayer of a Minor Prophet by A.W Tozer

The Prayer of a Minor Prophet by A. W Tozer (minor edits done for translation into Mordern English)

This is the prayer of a man called to be a witness to the nations. This is what he said to his Lord on the day of his ordination. After the elders and ministers had prayed and laid their hands on him he withdrew to meet his Saviour in the secret place and in the silence, farther in than his well-meaning brethren could take him. And he said:
O Lord, I have heard Your voice and was afraid. You have called me to an awesome task in a grave and perilous hour. You are about to shake all nations and the earth and also heaven, that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. O Lord, our Lord, Tou has stopped to honour me to be Your servant. No man takes this honour upon himself save He that is called of God as was Aaron. You have ordained me Your messenger to them that are stubborn of heart and hard of hearing. They have rejected You, the Master, and it is not to be expected that they will receive me, the servant.
My God, I shall not waste time deploring my weakness nor my unfittedness for the work. The responsibility is not mine but Yours. You have said, “I knew you—I ordained you—I sanctified you,” and You has also said, “You shalt go to all that I shall send you, and whatsoever I command you you shall speak.” Who am I to argue with You or to call into question Your sovereign choice? The decision is not mine but Yours. So be it, Lord. Your will, not mine, be done.
Well do I know, to God of the prophets and the apostles that as long as I honour You, You will honour me. Help me therefore to take this solemn vow to honour You in all my future life and labours, whether by gain or by loss, by life or by death, and then to keep that vow unbroken while I live.
It is time, O God, for You to work, for the enemy has entered into Your pastures and the sheep are torn and scattered. And false shepherds abound who deny the danger and laugh at the perils which surround Your flock. The sheep are deceived by these hirelings and follow them with touching loyalty while the wolf closes in to kill and destroy. I beseech You, give me sharp eyes to detect the presence of the enemy; give me understanding to distinguish the false friend from the true. Give me vision to see and courage to report what I see faithfully. Make my voice so like Yours own that even the sick sheep will recognize it and follow You.
Lord Jesus, I come to You for spiritual preparation. Lay Your hand upon me. Anoint me with the oil of the New Testament prophet. Forbid that I should become a religious scribe and thus lose my prophetic calling. Save me from the curse that lies dark across the face of the modern clergy, the curse of compromise, of imitation, of professionalism. Save me from the error of judging a church by its size, its popularity or the amount of its yearly offering. Help me to remember that I am a prophet; not a promoter, not a religious manager—but a prophet. Let me never become a slave to crowds. Heal my soul of carnal ambitions and deliver me from the itch for publicity. Save me from the bondage to things. Let me not waste my days puttering around the house. Lay Your terror upon me, O God, and drive me to the place of prayer where I may wrestle with principalities and powers and the rulers of the darkness of this world. Deliver me from overeating and late sleeping. Teach me self-discipline that I may be a good soldier of Jesus Christ.
I accept hard work and small rewards in this life. I ask for no easy place. I shall try to be blind to the little ways that I could make my life easier. If others seek the smoother path I shall try to take the hard way without judging them too harshly. I shall expect opposition and try to take it quietly when it comes. Or if, as sometimes it falls out to Your servants, I shall have grateful gifts pressed upon me by Your kindly people, stand by me then and save me from the blight that often follows. Teach me to use whatever I receive in such manner that it will not injure my soul nor diminish my spiritual power. And if in Your permissive providence honour should come to me from Your church, let me not forget in that hour that I am unworthy of the least of Your mercies, and that if men knew me as intimately as I know myself they would withhold their honours or bestow them upon others more worthy to receive them.
And now, O Lord of heaven and earth, I consecrate my remaining days to You; let them be many or few, as You will. Let me stand before the great or minister to the poor and lowly; that choice is not mine, and I would not influence it if I could. I am Your servant to do Your will, and that will is sweeter to me than position or riches or fame and I choose it above all things on earth or in heaven. Though I am chosen of You and honoured by a high and holy calling, let me never forget that I am but a man of dust and ashes, a man with all the natural faults and passions that plague the race of men. I pray You therefore, my Lord and Redeemer, save me from myself and from all the injuries I may do myself while trying to be a blessing to others. Fill me with Your power by the Holy Spirit, and I will go in Your strength and tell of Your righteousness, even Yours only. I will spread abroad the message of redeeming love while my normal powers endure.
Then, dear Lord, when I am old and weary and too tired to go on, have a place ready for me above, and make me to be numbered with Your saints in glory everlasting. Amen
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Lord, let it be my prayer too. 

28 January, 2018

Relationship

RELIGION.
Image result for religion
Ever since young, I am a Christian. I sort of believed that Jesus is real, and without questioning accepted it as my faith.

When presented the question, my answer has always been the same: "I am a Christian."
But what I know as my religion, I slowly begin to realize how much I hate religion.

I really only care about the relationship(s).

The relationships I had with the people in Church.
The relationships I had with people of the similar faith, as (at least) most Christians are nice.
Then I realize, it is the same with God.

God in the Old Testament gave us the Ten Commandments to follow. That is the Law.
In the Age of Law, the following of it ensures safety and blessing. Disregard leads only to banishment from His presence.
Seems very much like "Either obey Me or die".

But God isn't like that. Which is why He offered an alternative.

Which is Jesus.

Jesus says this: That if you believe in Him that He can be the Way for you, to lead you in Truth to Life with God, He can cleanse and forgive your sins and heal your land.

But how?

The answer is actually to have a relationship with God.

When you have a girlfriend, you like her at the start may be due to her appearance, her sweet sweet smile, cheerful disposition and just how everything falls together. BUT, you end up doing things that she approves of, and halt habits against her disapproval because you want to be aligned with her values.

Similarly, God wants us to be able to go up to a higher level with Him, and is willing to take us higher and soar alongside us. 

2 Corinthians 3:16-18 The Message (MSG) 16-18 Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We’re free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

When we enter into a relationship with God, a communal relationship, we are saying

God let us be like lovers, 
let us be like friends. 
We'll go through stuff together, 
all things hand in hand.
Lead me down the path
Mountains and valleys low
Your presence is enough
It's all I need to know

When we see that God has let Jesus tear the veil, and we see Him, face to face! And as Jesus washed us clean, now we stand facing God, shirt painted white without blemish. We realize that all He really wanted was for us to be clean and enjoy life, to depend on Him for everything, for He longs to take care of us. Really! That truth be told, He is the One beside us through every toss and turn, up and down the roller-coaster of life. He let us do the stuff that we can on our own, and He will NOT interfere, for He believes in us. As we understand that, we realize that it is not some commandments binding us anymore. We can simply choose NOT to sin because we do not want to be dirtied, it pains for us to see Jesus willingly die for us again.

And that is when we say: God, am I sick and tired of doing things my way and fail! And not only fail, because of it:

I feel lousy about myself and I cannot find validation for my mistakes. 
Nothing is able to justify, what I have said, every lie. 
Nothing could recuperate, the loss I've caused, the mess I've made.

So I choose to live a life that is pleasing and respectable, a life worthy to be known as Jesus' bride. His beloved that He is longing for.

This is why Christianity is a relationship for me.



Because of this Cross.

Because of this cross, I am going to pursue a relationship with who I call God.

Nuff said.

-huangxi

23 January, 2018

Poem: Void

You really cant fill for the stomach
what is empty in the heart.
You stuff your lungs with smoke,
when all you need is hope.

Walking in the cold alleyway
With a crumpled bill of fifty
Searching for things with value
Until you reach the city

Beggaring is not about the lack
Of food, a place, or poverty.
These people require, I suspect
Love from a family.

12 January, 2018

Poem - hope

Tiny circular light holes in prison; 
filtered rays of orange pouring through grey
cell, lifeless, stained crimson
opposing shades of disarray.

11 January, 2018

Poem - Courage

Don't hug me I'm scared
The cold wind blows my hair
Away from my face, bared
Just to breathe the air

31 December, 2017

Poem - Year

A full circle round the sun
three hundred and sixty five
days placed into months
and seasons of joy and life

starts off chilly and cold
February breaks the mold
March ushers in the sun
until July's Autumn

Yet not forget Summer
which springs up after Spring
the flip-side season of winter
Oh what joy it brings!

Basking in the sun
till August leaves turn red
and September winds come
makes the leafmeal bed.

From yellow to orange then red
It ends off white instead
Yet after the stormy snow
The sun will reset aglow.

26 December, 2017

Poem - Unsure

Happiness - not a destination
but journey to it we must
Success all humans' common aim
For this sole reason we self inject pain

Dopamine over dose
An escapade from reality
Oxytocin injected
Relieve the frightful scares

What is morality?
If your poison can be my apple
Why justice why equality
Isn't my body the only I serve?

Yet the guilt of past doings haunts with regret
The joy of gift giving? or the remission of sin
Hari kiri except we don't die
So others life we continue to hurt with our lies

What shall we do O Master
What can we say?
Apologies neither suffice 
Nor is worthy to repay

Life lived well and socially respected
yet society is cruel and the poor neglected
Do the filthy work please oh dear man
So i need not dirty, my clean soft hands.

20 December, 2017

lonEly loVe

Black
With spots of brown
Not all around
Just some found

Dark skies
No stars
Noise heard from the revving of cars-
It’s a long night.

Glass is formed from sand
thud heard when the bottle meets land
Waste on the beach
Ocean just receives

Paper Airplane
Folded with a nice tail
Tries to fly
Flops and fail

The blazing horn
Ships depart
All around, looks of forlorn
Thoughtful sending of hearts

Side character watches
Protagonist love resolves
Antagonist transformed
Remainder remains

Is there no plot
Who shall develop?
No audience for the film
Just gratitude awarded.

Yet job fulfilled
Life must continue
Hope can appear
If the person dare desire.



Post Script: 
I don't know what poem this is. Thoughts overflow like a shower rampant waterfall.
Noise clutters, yet the silence speaks.
You speak to me in words, I reply you with emotions.
Stop hurting, start healing. Healing starts only when one realizes they can be healed, not just that they are injured.

-huangxi

29 July, 2017

Poem - Sleep

Scurrying rats
pacing away from the landing of paws
furry feline; a mobile threat,
dictionary's definition of death.

A rodent's life mission
not chosen but given
to bring for the next generation
a better starting point.

in every caste
struggles prevail;
but its relative happiness?
On a different scale.

The tiring rat race
Will it ever end?
Even if it does,
What reward is at hand?
____________________________________
On the deathbed of hay, the rat rest and stay,
what thoughts will break his piece of mind?
but to know its son's best move isn't to pray,
It may have one last breath and rest in time.

21 May, 2017

Poem - I really tried

I tried to imagine
i tried with despair
you're here with me
As i make that prayer
That you'll never leave me
behind all alone
but your embracing hugs
will make me feel at home
But! I yearn and cry for those hugs
Which I don't get for we're far apart
soon i will be back, though dirty and rugged;
Please still accept me, I give you my heart.

13 March, 2017

Poem - Numb

Four walls around, cement and bricks;
The corner has cobwebs, spiders and liz-
ards are crawling, this is their home
in which you're confined in, stuck all alone

Days passed and nights come
Through the window you observe
Daily a new scoffer will ask
For what sin do you this sentence, serve?

Inquisitive or caring, one does not know
But lumps in the throat comes as I reply
To speak my evil with truth and without my sorrow
As I patiently wait for the day which I fly-

out beyond the bars, no longer in premises
And with my green card I explore my freedom
No longer in dreadfully ugly clothes
Though it's still far I dream of this moment

-cricantrail
Can I faster finish my SOL of 28 days.....

26 February, 2017

Poem - Strung Out

Sometimes you win,
Sometimes you lose,
Sometimes you just sit down with booze.

There's cuts that kill
And wounds that heal
But don't forget those whom you knew

Were there in sunshine
Beside you in rain
Offer you a shoulder to ease through the pain

No currency nor change
Could put up my smile
Like one my best friend arranged
And place there for a while

20 January, 2017

Poem: Pillar

Grey cylinder standing strong
Supporting up the ceiling wall
Firm and upright built with might
Making sure that it won't fall.

Gravity's center lies on it
Yet it does not budge
Even when it suffer a hit
There's no difference than a touch.

Just what we need to hold our lives
Without cluttering our mind
Removing it is like playing dice
No control of any kind

Some hug it, lean on it, stare at it in awe
It's existence is our cure
For all the troubles we may have
This pillar will hold them all.

15 December, 2016

Moving House

2 weeks ago, I celebrated my 21st birthday.

Apologies. I meant, I had my 21st birthday.

All right fine, I turned 21.

Since then till now, adult life has been a little bit of a hussle.

Starting with, I had to move out and get a room(with myself only, dummy).

Packing your stuff is a HUGE thing to do especially if you have not done it before.


^ A pic of some of the stuff at my old place


A pic of some other stuff which I brought to my new place.

Moving house is a.... time where you gather everything you have and you really decide what do you want to keep and what do you want to throw.

And it isn't easy, as you need to know what memories you want to keep and what you should move on from.

But at the end of the day, keep making new memories and new experiences.


A new place as I prepare myself to enter the new year.
Turned 21 too so I'm an adult now.

But what does life hold for an adult like me?
Still yet to find out.

21 July, 2016

Poem: Sparrow


Sparrows

Her heart to her beloved
was that of a lone sparrow
Tattooed indelibly with blood
that flowed from the heart with sorrow

An issue of blood caused by remorse
drawn on the fingertips with time
Every drip and drop - her loss
As she creates a red sunshine

The strength resonates through her dark red blood
Lack of oxygen, deprived of oxytocin;
She tried to love others as hard
and as deep as from her heart within

Petite little sparrow, such insignificance!
Dejection faced, would an angel appear?
Yet the organs inside show that there's no difference
Between her and another, from front to rear.

But yet a mystery within her holds
A unique sparkle, dazzle and shimmer
She steadies her footing as her beauty unfolds
And face the future - smiling both eyes closed.

Dedicated to someone

-huangxi