Sometimes I forget I’m an F because I avoid conflict by being quiet and going into myself. I avoid listening to other people’s problems because I a) don’t want to feel them too strongly or b) don’t want to come off as apathetic or not empathetic enough (which I feel I am a lot of the time). When I have problems, I sleep them off or force others to deal with the conflict right then because I won’t be able to sleep if we don’t. I’m nearly incapable of empathy or compassion for people who complain and never take action to change the things they can or get past the things they can’t. So I sometimes forget I’m an F because I am barely capable of dealing with my own feelings and I don’t have the energy to devote to dealing with others’.
But events like the Elliot Rodger shooting - all aspects of it - remind me I’m an F. That families are mourning their children. That society cares more because of celebrity. That we put pressure to have sex on young people. That being rejected can affect someone this strongly. That someone meticulously planned the deaths of other people. That because he is white and male, people need to blame mental illness instead of accepting what to me looks like entitlement and misogyny taken to a new, revolting level. I’m trembling with rage at what happened, and at the same time collapsing in on myself with the reality that this is the world we live in.
I am most definitely an F. I faked my way through the morning , but I haven’t eaten since then, have tried to nap through my day, haven’t said five words to my roommates, and can’t think of anything that will make me feel better. I had the opportunity for three different dates today and instead I turned my phone off so I don’t have to see texts coming in trying to make a plan. I see how beautiful the day is - how green, how rain is washing the sickening reality off the Earth - and I’m hiding in the safest place I know, my bed. A shower, some food, some sleep…these things will help. But at my core, nothing will. Events like this imprint on me in such a powerful way and it’s lonely knowing that there aren’t many people who can understand how or why.
It is very lonely knowing that all you can do is wander around in your head when all these issues are flying around you, and for me it is an all or nothing, there is no help to support, only help to succeed to the fullest.
There is no joy in hanging around with people, only a chance to drain myself out and find a way to help them.
No chance to be who i really want to be, serious and quiet. Only a facade will suffice.