Just to discover life where we all are

This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard.But I'm gonna survive. Oh oh these are beautiful times~

Thank God that FYP is going to be over soon. Really.

Dealing with people, students and lecturers that I do not like, is a tough one.
Having so many tough interviewees and irritable people around me, quite tiresome to me.

I just wanna have fun playing the guitar again.
I just wanna have someone understand me again.

I feel so drained texting. Even texting. That I feel so alone even through texting because I cannot feel the other party resonating with what I am feeling.


I am waiting for the day where I can be the lark, I don't want to be the sighing woodpecker anymore.

Raw- Silent

Silent

Sound you can hear faces you can see

But inaudible are they like the words that you read

Books galore but not a drop of wisdom

Heaven is open but not a touch was given.

To drink and not be filled is to commit a murder

For what stop rage is not actions but comfort from anger

A sparrow flies, constantly he does

Not when he hates home, but whenever he must.

A test, a challenge, a match from afar

Sent on one purpose is the invitation 

Not for doubt, neither for shame

But till i am triumphant the teacher is silent.

-raw. Undone.

Poem- Perception

The one who cried wolf
didnt hear the howl
a cry in the midst of darkness
searching for; wandering through
the forest of serene but
solitude KILLS
the tiger has its cubs
the grass has its greens
but the lone wolf seeks eternity and peace

Misunderstood as evil
forgotten by the good
despised by those better
rejected as crude
gone like the wind
were the days of old
one was respected
just for his mould

Happiness exist when sadness does
a chain has many parts
these faltering emotions go hand in hand
though they're miles apart
plateau unflattering
But mountains scaled from valleys
all serve their purpose
to bring to us an ending

God is good; says the priest
and of course his creation fine;
but what is further from the truth
is evil in mankind.

All Eternity Awaits

Above my circumstances it's You I worship

My life surrendered in the mercy of your love

Nothing can be compared to this I now know

You spoke the universe into existence

Poem - Need to hang on

I need to hang on I need to persevere
There no more sound my ears cant hear
In this lonely night so dark and alone
The things I see i doubt its true

No value of matter no matter of value
All I need a rope, a method to heal
Leave the abyss, leave this town
But what if that aint what I need now

Poem - Reminder

Feeling as lethargic as can be, i cant even stay up after coffee,
no dont give me tea, I just wanna sleep why cant you let me be
i dont need and dont want to know a her
i want to know me thats all that matter

I want to go up but everything's down
I talk to above but it made not a sound
to cry to below what does it do
my tears extinguished by hell fire that blew

kick up a storm, whirlwind in clouds
The eye of the hurricane its surrounding it spouts
neither a foe nor its friend
can hug it nor kiss it and not meet its end

all things have time, and time in control
there's not a healing that time cant bestow
but fury is deep, and hatred is steep,
maneuver the maze you have to be on your feet.


- Huangxi
Cricantrail.blogspot.com

Poem - More than Breathing

When you look into the mirror across this madness
Do you see you or do you see sadness
Above our heads, under the sparrows
Glance at the neon lights, creating our shadows

Oh~
Do you see what it's going to be
It's a world a theater of dreams
Where we look no more for the answer in our hearts
Oh~
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our grip

There across the river into the abyss
I see people falling from the bridge
Where is the lighthouse no more watch men
Do we live to fight now just to reach the end

Oh~
Do you see what it's going to be
It's a world a theater of dreams
Where we look no more for the answer in our hearts
Oh~
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our grip

And we'll see
The birds that chirp and greet
It's a forest surreal and relieved
And we'll find
Quiet in chaos under our abode
What we left home just to find

Oh~
Do you see what it's going to be
It's a world a theater of dreams
Where we look no more for the answer in our hearts
Oh~
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our

Oh~
Do you see what's under our skin
It's your bones that's trying to believe
When we search no more - do more than just breathe
The future's in our, the future's in our, the future's in our grip.

-Cricantrail

Word.

Math is not about truth, it is about proof.
10 x 10 = 100
9 x 9 = 100
8 x 8 = 100
Change the base, and see numbers another way.

Courtesy of: CGAyling. On twitter


Reflection:

Things arent always the way we expect it to be.
But it could be the truth.
A fact changes volume with a different perspective.

Poem - Acceptance

What am I, if not a pawn in a plan far from the king, but still in his hand
Not many roads, nor people to seek
Much less victory before I am defeat.

The road is straight but that aint the way
For to move up we must go astray
To be at the end and to rise to the top
A simple mistake we surrender and flop.

The destiny's great and the future is big
For at the end of the day many choices we meet
But dreams are quenched when the master speaks
For sacrifices are made for the greater deed.

-ct

Poem - Apathetically numb

Shading upon a grey wall
Stabbing a dead man's gall
We live to breathe, but we dont conceive
Our ideas dont weave, insights not received.

Living in absence from the utmost vital part
Is it our lungs, or is it our heart?
What will change if we lose our soul
Will we turn to dust, what happens to our mould?

We chase the pieces of our puzzle
Not finding the puzzle board
Rat racing till the very end
we look for the Master's hand.

A lie, or truth; mystery foretold
Knowledge comes from sorrow
And the greatest answer that we seek
is from the grave that follows.

Poem - Lost Demise

Flowers on a grave
Our broken metronome
Life beyond repair

This isn't the end

An eight year old girl had a panic attack
'Cause the father she loved left and never looked back
No longer the hero she counted on
He told her he loved her and then he was gone

She tried to look happy in front of her friends
But knew that she'd never feel normal again
She fought back the tears as they filled her eyes
And wanted him back just to tell him goodbye

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end

Her dad was a good guy that everyone liked
But nobody knew he was dying inside
He promised his family he'd be alright
And then with a gunshot he left them behind

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end

When the rain falls down
When it all turns around
When the light goes out
This isn't the end, no.

The role of a father he never deserved
He abandoned his daughter and never returned
And over the years though the pain was real
She finally forgave him and started to heal

How close is the ending, well, nobody knows
The future's a mystery and anything goes
Love is confusing and life is hard
You fight to survive 'cause you made it this far

It's all too astounding to comprehend
It's just the beginning this isn't the end
It's just the beginning this isn't the end

- Adam Young

Haiku: Pleasure routine

Lie between the twigs nuances of thy nature's guise the bird tweet~ and sleep :)

-hx

Wow.

No one has yet believed in God and the kingdom of God, no one has yet heard about the realm of the resurrected and not been homesick from that hour, waiting and looking forward to being released from bodily existence.
Whether we are young or old makes no difference. What are twenty or thirty or fifty years in the sight of God? And which of us knows how near he or she may already be to the goal? That life only really begins when it ends here on earth, that all that is here is only the prologue before the curtain goes up — that is for young and old alike to think about. Why are we so afraid when we think about death? Death is only dreadful for those who live in dread and fear of it. Death is not wild and terrible, if only we can be still and hold fast to God’s Word. Death is not bitter if we have not become bitter ourselves. Death is grace, the greatest gift of grace that God gives to people who believe in him. Death is mild, death is sweet and gentle; it beckons to us with heavenly power if only we realize that it is the gateway to our homeland, the tabernacle of joy, the everlasting kingdom of peace.
How do we know that dying is so dreadful? Who knows whether in our human fear and anguish we are only shivering and shuddering at the most glorious, heavenly, blessed event in the world?
Death is hell and night and cold if it is not transformed by our faith. But that is just what is so marvelous, that we can transform death.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
1906-1945

Oh my.

Reading and this hit me big time. I hadn’t thought about that last sentence much before because it’s easy to read and move on, but last night I couldn’t stop rereading it. I clicked the lamp off so inspired to live this and not just read it and forget about it. I barely got any sleep as usual. How is there so much power in a book?? Fantastiska

So my brothers and sisters, we must not be ruled by our sinful selves or live the way our sinful selves want. If you use your lives to do the wrong things your sinful selves want, you will die spiritually. But if you use the Spirit’s help to stop doing the wrong things you do with your body, you will have true life. The true children of God are those who let God’s Spirit lead them. The Spirit we received does not make us slaves again to fear; it makes us children of God. With that Spirit we cry out, “Father.” And the Spirit himself joins with our spirits to say we are God’s children. If we are God’s children, we will receive blessings from God together with Christ. But we must suffer as Christ suffered so that we will have glory as Christ has glory.

Romans 8: 12-17

copied from Owlcity

Via ayoungblog.com

Yup.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In God’s great mercy he has caused us to be born again into a living hope because Jesus Christ rose from the dead. Now we hope for the blessings God has for his children. These blessings, which cannot be destroyed or be spoiled or lose their beauty, are kept in heaven for you. God’s power protects you through your faith until salvation is shown to you at the end of time. This makes you very happy even though now for a short time different kinds of troubles may make you sad. These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure. This purity of faith is worth more than gold, which can be proved to be pure by fire but will ruin. But the purity of your faith will bring you praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is shown to you. You have not seen Christ but still you love him; you cannot see him now, but you believe in him. So you are filled with a joy that cannot be explained, a joy full of glory, and you are receiving the goal of your faith — the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1: 3-9

This test is funny

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Updated 2015 Feb:

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.


Hmmm... some things still stay the same.

Poem - Mirror

my past I now no longer look,
I shut my eyes and crossed the brook.
mirrors reflect what I expect
Only the things I have regretted.

What a fragment made from sand
spectacular to behold
But, alas, a knock to come
Only tragedy unfolds.

And brooks I crossed with great despair
on whether I get the truth
As painted by the mirror then
That truth may not be true

Ugly paintings are still paintings
Just as life is life
What we get we don't expect
But will we tell the lie?

-hx

PS: No idea how to end it. 4th paragraph may be edited again. Very tough to end. Even right now, the ending is not good. Sad.

PPS: 4th paragraph edited 20 Feb 2015

Getting Back on Track

Ever felt that you are behind schedule on many things and have no idea how to overcome all these things when all you want to do is to die?

So, how do you escape that?

Step 1:
When you have many things coming at you on all sides, take a deep breath and have a nice cool drink.
Relax, soothe yourself. Find somewhere secluded and comfortable and prepare some paper and a pen.

Step 2:
List down the things that you need to complete within the next one month. These could be simple tasks that you need to do, like cleaning your cupboard, to finishing some reports.
Don't list down mundane things that you would do, like eating unless you do not eat on time and properly, of course.

Step 3: Take a look at the list and now write them down on another piece of paper in accordance of priority to complete. Now put the header as TO DO LIST. Staple it somewhere, put it on a post it notes(the top 5 things to be done), if you have a white board at home next to your bed that would be great. Put it on a note widget of your phone, or simply set it as your wall paper to constantly remind yourself about it. Place a note onto your desktop, stick it around somewhere. Set Alarms with descriptions do task A.

Step 4: Do one of the tasks(as high priority as possible immediately! Do not waste time at all. Even if you are unable to do the task straight away, Plan out, map out how you may go about doing that task. If it is to pick up a cake for your friends birthday, set an alarm for it, write down a note, call someone and ask him/her to remind you about it in 3 hours time. Get going with it!

Step 5: Whittle down your list and give yourself a break after every 1 or 2 items. A break is probably a 1 hour break to a night's off. Depending on how much time you have!
Take a break, but don't take a long vacation. Build up on the momentum and get things done fast.

Jesus is Yeshua

http://infjconfessions.tumblr.com/post/32867481879/infj-confession-2224-jesus-is-the-only-reason-i

 Jesus is the only reason I haven’t completely given up on my life.

How true.

Jesus, i press on knowing that i have you. I just keep. Pressing. On. 

Amen.

-huangxi

How do you know you are addicted to an activity.

Disclaimer: This is to be taken point to point and in context. Of course, please exercise common sense before taking every word as my perspective. To see an event or a behavior in its fullness, one often has to remove himself and his own opinion to see the whole picture.

1. When you are doing it everyday and that is the first thing you want to do when you get home for no apparent reason other than extrinsic pleasure.

This of course include binge eating, gaming, playing the guitar et cetera. These are activities that one can engage in and they are all good activities to relieve stress with. However, it should not affect your sleep, it should not affect your work, and your relationship with your friends as well as family. Many a times, activities such as playing the guitar, gives us a recluse that we often dismiss we have an addiction. While needing a break is true, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to go home just to game again, but if these activities take a higher priority than what is (world view rat race styled) morally correct, then it may be an addiction. 

Why so? Because we are human beings and we live in such a world. If we do not put the right priorities up ahead, we will not be able to survive the onslaught from work and the stress that ever so piles up.

2. When you talk about it all the time. 

Now, there is nothing wrong with talking about, let's say, soccer during lunch break. Nothing wrong with chatting around your boyfriend and his every so sweet and kind actions towards you. I mean, if someone is sweet to you and does such awesome things, there is nothing wrong with it. Especially when you're in love.

However, it crawls and evolves into a problem if what you are talking about is constantly an activity even during work. Or you talk about it all the time even when the topic is on something else, or excludes people within the social circle from the conversation.

3. If you are thinking about it right now while reading this post.

If you even need to suspect whether it is an addiction, it probably is.

Because if it isn't why would such a thought even appear in your mind? It just won't happen.

DISCLAIMER

Loving someone and being head over heels is not an addiction. It will be better if we classified it as infatuation, or being in love. It does not equate to an addiction. For example, just because your mother talks about you to her friends at work doesn't mean she is addicted, it could be that you really have a lot of problems that is alarming her, or that she is really proud of you. Or something.

Humans are not an addiction. You can only be addicted to an activity. We have a wide diverse number of words, choose the right one to describe an "addiction" towards humans.

Stressed

This is no longer a blog, it is moer than that for now.

This blog is like a reclusive place where I can be at home.

Not that I have a home, foxes have holes, but the son of man has no where to lay his head.

Really wish I will be independent.
I need to stop being so fearful and dependent on others to be there for me.

I must first be there for myself. ><

Jiayou hx. jiayou.

Quote desu yo~

Women are made to be loved, not understood - Oscar Wilde

Women are made to be loved, not understood. Women are made to be LOVED, not understood. Women are MADE to be LOVED, not UNDERSTOOD.


You don't have to understand someone to love someone.

You don't have to love someone to understand someone.

Women are made not for understanding, they are not a species.
Women are made to help men, so that men will not be alone.
Companionship.
What does it take to be a companion?
A person with whom one spends a lot of time or with whom one travels.
A friend or person you associate yourself with.
Partner; helper; comrade; associate.

Anyway.

Make loving people your utmost priority, understanding them the second priority.

An INFJ Confession

Sometimes I forget I’m an F because I avoid conflict by being quiet and going into myself. I avoid listening to other people’s problems because I a) don’t want to feel them too strongly or b) don’t want to come off as apathetic or not empathetic enough (which I feel I am a lot of the time). When I have problems, I sleep them off or force others to deal with the conflict right then because I won’t be able to sleep if we don’t. I’m nearly incapable of empathy or compassion for people who complain and never take action to change the things they can or get past the things they can’t. So I sometimes forget I’m an F because I am barely capable of dealing with my own feelings and I don’t have the energy to devote to dealing with others’.

But events like the Elliot Rodger shooting - all aspects of it - remind me I’m an F. That families are mourning their children. That society cares more because of celebrity. That we put pressure to have sex on young people. That being rejected can affect someone this strongly. That someone meticulously planned the deaths of other people. That because he is white and male, people need to blame mental illness instead of accepting what to me looks like entitlement and misogyny taken to a new, revolting level. I’m trembling with rage at what happened, and at the same time collapsing in on myself with the reality that this is the world we live in.

I am most definitely an F. I faked my way through the morning , but I haven’t eaten since then, have tried to nap through my day, haven’t said five words to my roommates, and can’t think of anything that will make me feel better. I had the opportunity for three different dates today and instead I turned my phone off so I don’t have to see texts coming in trying to make a plan. I see how beautiful the day is - how green, how rain is washing the sickening reality off the Earth - and I’m hiding in the safest place I know, my bed. A shower, some food, some sleep…these things will help. But at my core, nothing will. Events like this imprint on me in such a powerful way and it’s lonely knowing that there aren’t many people who can understand how or why.

It is very lonely knowing that all you can do is wander around in your head when all these issues are flying around you, and for me it is an all or nothing, there is no help to support, only help to succeed to the fullest.

There is no joy in hanging around with people, only a chance to drain myself out and find a way to help them.

No chance to be who i really want to be, serious and quiet. Only a facade will suffice.

Facades of the like

Paint me my skin green blue white

Stuck on doleful ground

Surreal: Art is an overused word.

The indications reveal, that few of us realize that life is, quite surreal. - Adam Young

Definition of surreal: bizarre.

And indeed life is, indeed quite bizarre.

Life is the mix of personalities like a colour palette; the outcome is a splatter of fireworks.
It is never defined by the colours, but it is defined by the outlook. 

What matters is never what is our colour, but how we use our colours to paint the pieces of the puzzle. it is not how the pieces are framed, but how easy is it to pick up the pieces and rearrange it to complete the painting.


Also; art is an overused word.

:(

A lie told long enough becomes the truth - Vladmir Lenin.


This is so scary.


And it's true!


Today You Learn:

Vladmir Lenin - Who is this guy?
Vladmir Lenin was the Russian Premier till his Death. He supported Leftism and it was partly his credit that the insurgence and overthrowing of the Tsar(Russian "King") succeeded. It was because of him and Karl Marx, which led to the Marxism-Leninism school of thought, which led to 3 major thoughts: Stalinism, Maoism and Trotskyism.

Which means: He is a huge part of why China, Nkorea and Russia is like that now. Along with Cuba, of course. 

And when it come from such a guy, and its true. 

T.T

Now you know this truth, why lie anymore?????
 :( :( :(

Let's tell the truth.

Change course?

So today I read a post on facebook(NYP confessions)

https://www.facebook.com/pages/NYP-Confessions/118332335013023



(#1608) -- (#152 post of 2014) -- I need serious advice here. Its a long post...
Hard time adapting and sorry for my terrible, terrible English.

Im starting to be really shitty for my course.., i lost the motivation and i dont even know whether if i can like withstand this course for how long. I wish i didn't pick this course but i went for the interview and they let me in. Im in year2 this year, and i have shitty gpa like 2 in year 1. I know im self-pitying myself right now and blaming everything except for myself. I cant adapt to this new course and environments. Moreover , I dont dare to seek help or anything. I think i don't even like art now. Its an Art course. I want to ask if its possible to change course but will it be like no subsidies at all ? By the way, the art course is really good for others but i just doesn't fit in .

The standard difference of myself to the requirements is way too high. Its like if you don't do shit now, you will keep falling behind like a deep black hole, even u try its still a shit grade.

I have been battling with my mind like stepping out but i keep pulling myself back to the hole. And worse, im lazy as fuck to the point its like aaaaaaaaaaa.

Theres no one i can tell since no one is able to trust.
I'm going to try for counselling but i doubt if it will work out since last time i went on secondary school, they don't give a shit n i just struggle through. The only difference is I seem to give much, much lesser effort compared in poly than secondary. I dont even want my future job to be related to my course. I also doubt if i can half study and uni like what my mum wants.

There is so much needed to change like emotionally , physically like being punctual , the fundalmentals and the current requirement.
I'm so lost right now. 



Have you ever wanted to change your course?
Well, I did. After my first semester in Motion Graphics, I realized that well, there are certain things out there which aren't cut out for me. And one of it is design.
I still love typography, I still get the creeps when my team mate uses comic sans ms or arial for the project report. I still like to learn shit like kerning. BUT THAT DOES NOT EQUATE TO ME HAVING THE TALENT FOR DESIGN,

How do I know if I should change my course?

Here's a list, and if you end up ticking most of the checklist, change your polytechnic course before it is too late:

1. I dread going to school.
2. I have no motivation for the subject.
3. I do not see myself successful in this field in 10 years.
4. I am not fascinated by most of the modules taught by my lecturers.
5. I have a GPA below 2.6.
6. I cannot remember what was taught last lecture.
7. I would change course right now in a blink.
8. I am only in it because of my friends/family/money.
9. I do not know what I want to do.

For me, I had 5 out of the 8 on top. I withdrew after the first semester, and I went to work. In February 2013, I applied for Business Intelligence & Analytics  in Nanyang Polytechnic and I got in and I am enjoying my course right now. I do Java now, and I am learning android programming. My grades are not say fantastic, average. 2.84. But I am loving the course. And that is what matters.

Ciao.
-huangxi

ed

Education - is to provide a person with a vast array of inadequate knowledge to entice adolescences into a preferred path of possible future marked down by distinct and questionably distinct paths, into a routine filled with certain repetitions marginalized with sporadically timed sparks filled with reminiscence of the contrary – the what if; the could be; the if only and the if I had; all placed down and in addition the constant bewilderment of whether the fullest of potentials kept like a cranberry seed has gave way to a bountiful harvest led by the fruits in a rosy fashion; marked by its criss-crosses like little hatches artists make to give depth; along with life.

if only i wrote books

Reminder

Work is tiring...

Loving the people is tiring.

meditate on God's word.

Even the youth shall faint and be weary, but those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.

Poem..? - Intentional Ambiguity

I love you like a lover
You love me like a friend
I'm so afraid to tell you
Cause I'm afraid it'll end

-huangxi
-cricantrail